Changed Friendships

Sometimes I really hate what PCOS has done to my relationships with other people.

Brother and California Sister-in-law (CSIL) are spontaneously coming to visit tomorrow and I'm not excited.  I used to be excited.  Whenever I got to spend time with them it was my favorite.  Their apartment was like a haven for me where I could relax and be myself.  And if things had gone a different way and I were pregnant now or at least trying without a death sentence hanging over my head, I think our relationship would still be joyful and full of excitement.  Instead, I feel like there's bitterness between us.

She's bitter that I have to be struggling while she's trying because if she does get pregnant she just wants to be happy about it.  She'd really rather not deal with my pain.

And if I'm honest, I am bitter, too.  I'm bitter that she doesn't have to go through what I have to go through.  That she might actually get pregnant.  And if she does, I know that the first thing she will feel is joy.  You know what I will feel if I get pregnant?  Terror.  Because a little pink line on a stick isn't the end game for me.  I want a child.  And PCOS doesn't stop ruining my life after implantation.  My risk of miscarriage is so much higher than everyone else's.  So I know that if I'm ever blessed enough to get a positive pregnancy test, I will immediately be terrified that I will mess it up, that the positive isn't real, that I will lose the child, that I will never be whole again once I do.  Meanwhile, CSIL would just be blissfully counting days and getting ready for her little miracle to bounce out of her youthful and fresh uterus and into her waiting arms.

And it's worse because she's such a private person.  So private.  So she might not tell me right away if she does get that positive.  But not knowing only makes it more painful for me so I keep having to ask in sneaky ways.  And I want to hear about how the process is going for her but she keeps not wanting to talk about it, even though I will understand the process of trying better than anyone!  So that makes me feel like I can't talk about my own process.  But when I try not to talk about it, it just swells in me, fighting to get out and I can't think of anything else in my life remotely worth mentioning.

I hate walking on eggshells.  I hate dreading the thought of seeing someone I love.  I hate that I'm finding it really hard to forgive her for telling me how much it sucks for HER that I am struggling right now.  I hate talking about it and I hate not talking about it.  I just hate the whole situation, and I hate that it is the way it is because of the thing that's wrong with ME.  It's always me and my stupid body that make everything terrible.

And I hate that I have all these horrible thoughts and feelings over a simple lunch.  Just lunch.  That's all.

I hope that the restaurant we go to seats us at a table made of beheaded children and puppy tears so that I will have a legitimate reason for having a terrible time.  I honestly do.

My Prologue

So I've mostly been talking about feelings and not so much where I am in my journey.  I'm actually pretty early in it.  That's why my pain is so fresh and so potent and so all-of-the-time (right?  That's why, right?  It won't feel like this forever . . . right!?)  Husband and I have been off birth control for eight months now, but we only found out about the PCOS about three months ago.

The first month after The Reveal I went to England without Husband on a study abroad that I had already planned before I knew that I would find out earth-shattering news the week before my flight.  So that was a lot of weird times trying to process and grieve thousands of miles away from anyone in my support system.

The second month I got serious about trying natural cures.  I wasn't really overweight (5'7" and 156 lbs), but I had read that losing 5-10% of your body weight could normalize your cycle.  So I went on an extreme PCOS diet (no dairy, no grains, no legumes, no sugar, only SOME fruits and vegetables and meats) and I started exercising.  By the end of the month I had lost 12 lbs.

The third month was when I started getting really antsy, though.  I felt like I had accomplished my weight loss goal.  I lost another lb over the month, but didn't feel as motivated to keep up my frenzied pace and I eased up a little on the diet.  When my period came, it was a perfect 28 days after the last one for the first time in YEARS.  But it was still a period.  And without weight loss to pour my energy into, waiting for my next ovulation has been excruciating.  And I know that after it passes, I'll be facing the TWW, which will be even worse.

So I've been pouring my energy into a planning and over-thinking a lot of miscellaneous baby-related things instead.  Which is fun . . . but I'm not sure it's super healthy.

First was names.  Husband and I nailed down a name for each sex months ago and they are both the perfect combination of recognizable but not too popular with excellent meanings, clever literary references and neutral initials (our last name starts with T so Zachary Isaac was out of the question for me).  It took weeks to orchestrate such perfect names.  But I wished later that I hadn't because it was right after they were settled that I found out I had PCOS.  Having a name made the loss even harder because not only did I not have a baby, but I didn't have those specific babies.  When you have a name you have somewhat of an image of what that child will be like and now that child is gone.  So for a while I wanted to change the names because just thinking of them made me remember that bitter time.  I was back to feverishly researching naming trends and etymologies.  But Husband convinced me not to because, to him, we're still waiting for those children.  I feel like we lost them but he feels like as long as we keep the names, we haven't.  We just know who we're looking forward to.  To him, throwing out their names would be killing them.  So we're keeping the names.  And I don't get to throw energy into coming up with new ones.

So now I'm planning the nursery.  My first theme was Totoro, but I think I'm more into Kingdom Hearts now.  And I know that when I finish with this I'll go to baby announcements.  Or maternity clothes.  Or that all important decision between breast-feeding and bottle-feeding.  (Who am I kidding?  It will be breast-feeding.  I find it way too cool that my body has the ability to sustain a human life.)

Does anyone else do this?  I think I keep going back to it because it makes me feel like I have some small sense of control in the baby realm instead of constantly just waiting and waiting and waiting.

I'm only 24, so we were originally going to wait until after law school to start trying drugs, but I'm going crazy.  We've each taken on an additional part time job so that we can afford it earlier.  Hopefully in a couple months.  And hopefully that will give me somewhat of a sense of control before I design and send out my own baby shower invitations with a "TBA" in the "date" column.  I'm thinking High Tea as the theme.