I have declared a nemesis today, my friends. And the name of my nemesis is Chocolate.
I am growing more and more certain that when I die and look back in cosmic wisdom on my life and all the small decisions that formed it, I will see with perfect clarity that it was chocolate, and not PCOS, that deprived me from ever having children. Because most of the diet things I can handle. I can live without white flour, even though it is inconvenient. I can live without milk. I can even live without cheese, as much as I thought I wouldn't be able to.
But then Chocolate comes along with its delicious, flavorful goodness, and I am lost.
Especially because it is always offered to me as a treat that people want to give me to make me happy. I can see the joy and expectation in their eyes. They KNOW that I will love what they are presenting. I don't want to disappoint them! I don't want to spit on their gift! It would be rude! Plus, then I wouldn't get to eat chocolate.
Three days ago, it was the flourless chocolate cakes at Brother's birthday dinner. I mean... they were shaped like Daleks. I'm not sure what I was really supposed to do. But they were my downfall. Because when I once again tasted the sweet heaven of chocolate, my resistance to it was destroyed.
Thus I was utterly unequipped to refuse the giant platter of chocolate passed around at the end of the meal at a dinner party yesterday. I ate the first one so as not to be rude. I ate the second one because someone thought it was a good idea to put the platter in front of me and just LEAVE IT THERE. I ate the third one because.... ugh, because chocolate is delicious!
Today I thought I was safe. No dinner parties today. Just law school. But I was wrong to relax! CURSE my kind and considerate Friend Who Does Not Know for buying me a frosted, chocolate cake donut on her way to school to show her affection for me! CURSE HER.
Whatever. Who cares what happens this month. I don't even care if I don't ovulate at all. Because next month it shall begin, my friends. My journey into the land of drugs. I made an appointment for November 6 so that I can start next cycle. I'm nervous and excited and optimistic and pessimistic all at the same time. It's confusing.
Showing posts with label temptation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label temptation. Show all posts
Monday, October 20, 2014
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Ugh, diets.
Sometimes . . . Husband does not really understand diets.
I mean, Husband and I have always had drastically different taste in foods. I like sushi and vegetables and even though I am not a vegetarian I think that tofu is delicious.
Husband's idea of fine cuisine is Hamburger Helper or McDonald's. Or Hot Pockets. This is a thing that I have (mostly) accepted about him. In fact, it's somewhat of a running joke in our family. When cousins do impressions of Husband, they usually involve the look of excitement that crosses his face whenever he sees a fast food chain he hasn't eaten at in a while. Basically, while I did try in early marriage to make meals we would both like, I quickly realized that it was a lost cause. Back then, when we were still newlyweds, I made one dish for him and a separate one for me every single meal that we ate together. Once law school started and I no longer had anything remotely resembling free time, that was obviously not a thing I wanted to do anymore. So he's been on his own food-wise for over a year.
Because of this, making my own, separate meals when I started the PCOS diet was not unfamiliar. What WAS unfamiliar was how angsty I got when he ate his food around me. His tolerable food, I mean. I continue to feel nothing but disgust when he eats Hot Pockets.
We had a lot of conversations about this in the first month of the diet, particularly when he ate half a box of chocolate donuts right in front of me. (I feel the need to point out at this time that he is basically a bean pole. I've lost 14 pounds and am right in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height, but he STILL weighs less than I do. And he is taller. This is just another thing about my life that is unfair.) And, to his credit, he has been trying. He hid the entire box of cookies that he bought yesterday on a shelf below eye level in the cupboard (I still saw it right away, but it was a good effort), and he only makes pizza when I'm not home (though the house does still smell like it when I get back).
So today when he asked if I could put away the last slices of his pizza for him and didn't understand why I didn't want to even look at the cheesy, white-flourey, greasy deliciousness of it, I got a little frustrated. I've never asked him to diet with me. And I wouldn't, because I know that he would not be able to. I've made SOME progress with him over the years (for example, he will now eat fish and if given the option will choose brown rice over white), but it has not been easy. I'm almost positive it's a mental thing, but he always feels sick after eating food he doesn't like and so he reacts strongly to being forced to, and has on several occasions eaten fast food before going to a friend's house for dinner in case they serve something he doesn't like (which is most of the things). So I wouldn't ask him to. I have always known that this would just be a me thing.
But sometimes... ok, a lot of the time... I really, really wish it wasn't just a me thing. Even if he doesn't eat the food with me I wish it was at least on his mind as much as it is on mine. When we go to a restaurant with a friend and I have already looked at the menu online and ascertained what dishes don't have white flour or dairy or soy, and then the friend suggests another place, I wish that instead of being all for it, Husband would know that I have no idea whether I can eat at the new place or not and would mention that instead of agreeing immediately and forcing me to remind him.
I wish that when guests come over he wouldn't get my favorite dessert bars and ask me to help frost them and tell me it's fine to take a slice when it obviously isn't.
And I wish that he would understand why I don't want to put away his pizza slices for him.
Sometimes, it's just really hard that this entire infertility thing is completely on my shoulders and that I have to work really hard to try and fix it while Husband can (and frequently does) forget that it's an issue at all.
I mean, Husband and I have always had drastically different taste in foods. I like sushi and vegetables and even though I am not a vegetarian I think that tofu is delicious.
Husband's idea of fine cuisine is Hamburger Helper or McDonald's. Or Hot Pockets. This is a thing that I have (mostly) accepted about him. In fact, it's somewhat of a running joke in our family. When cousins do impressions of Husband, they usually involve the look of excitement that crosses his face whenever he sees a fast food chain he hasn't eaten at in a while. Basically, while I did try in early marriage to make meals we would both like, I quickly realized that it was a lost cause. Back then, when we were still newlyweds, I made one dish for him and a separate one for me every single meal that we ate together. Once law school started and I no longer had anything remotely resembling free time, that was obviously not a thing I wanted to do anymore. So he's been on his own food-wise for over a year.
Because of this, making my own, separate meals when I started the PCOS diet was not unfamiliar. What WAS unfamiliar was how angsty I got when he ate his food around me. His tolerable food, I mean. I continue to feel nothing but disgust when he eats Hot Pockets.
We had a lot of conversations about this in the first month of the diet, particularly when he ate half a box of chocolate donuts right in front of me. (I feel the need to point out at this time that he is basically a bean pole. I've lost 14 pounds and am right in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height, but he STILL weighs less than I do. And he is taller. This is just another thing about my life that is unfair.) And, to his credit, he has been trying. He hid the entire box of cookies that he bought yesterday on a shelf below eye level in the cupboard (I still saw it right away, but it was a good effort), and he only makes pizza when I'm not home (though the house does still smell like it when I get back).
So today when he asked if I could put away the last slices of his pizza for him and didn't understand why I didn't want to even look at the cheesy, white-flourey, greasy deliciousness of it, I got a little frustrated. I've never asked him to diet with me. And I wouldn't, because I know that he would not be able to. I've made SOME progress with him over the years (for example, he will now eat fish and if given the option will choose brown rice over white), but it has not been easy. I'm almost positive it's a mental thing, but he always feels sick after eating food he doesn't like and so he reacts strongly to being forced to, and has on several occasions eaten fast food before going to a friend's house for dinner in case they serve something he doesn't like (which is most of the things). So I wouldn't ask him to. I have always known that this would just be a me thing.
But sometimes... ok, a lot of the time... I really, really wish it wasn't just a me thing. Even if he doesn't eat the food with me I wish it was at least on his mind as much as it is on mine. When we go to a restaurant with a friend and I have already looked at the menu online and ascertained what dishes don't have white flour or dairy or soy, and then the friend suggests another place, I wish that instead of being all for it, Husband would know that I have no idea whether I can eat at the new place or not and would mention that instead of agreeing immediately and forcing me to remind him.
I wish that when guests come over he wouldn't get my favorite dessert bars and ask me to help frost them and tell me it's fine to take a slice when it obviously isn't.
And I wish that he would understand why I don't want to put away his pizza slices for him.
Sometimes, it's just really hard that this entire infertility thing is completely on my shoulders and that I have to work really hard to try and fix it while Husband can (and frequently does) forget that it's an issue at all.
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