Saturday, September 27, 2014

Hey, Internet.

I'm going to introduce myself to you and it's going to be in a way that may not make sense:

I'm 24, I'm in law school and I want a baby.  Like, now.

To save time, I have anticipated your response to such an outlandish combination of facts, and I will respond to it so that you don't have to post it in the comments.

"A baby!?  But why!?  You're so busy now!  Focus on your schoolwork!  You've got so much time!"

Yeah, I've got lots of time to not be pregnant, unfortunately.  I have PCOS, meaning it may be difficult for me to EVER get pregnant, despite the fact that being a mother is the only thing I have consistently wanted my entire life.  I've only wanted to be a lawyer for, like, half a decade.  Tops.

"Hm.  Maybe this is God and/or the Universe telling you that now's just not the right time for you."

Oh, really?  Not the right time for me?  Listen.  There are teens getting unintentionally pregnant all over the place.  Drunks.  Drug addicts.  People who do not even want a child and react to the news with horror.  I know I'm in law school, but is it REALLY a worse time for my husband and I to have a child than it is for Hypothetical Holly who had sex with her dealer between doing some meth and attending a Justin Bieber concert?

"You sound really judgey."

YOU sound really judgey.

"Just relax and have fun!  It will happen when it happens.  Focus on all the good things in your life!"

Unfortunately, I find it very difficult to pause my feelings.  I'm in mourning.  I thought my life would be a certain way and I thought trying to have a child would be easy since I'm young and healthy and willing to do an astronomical amount of research on anything even remotely connected to conception.  But after several months of trying, when I started having pregnancy symptoms and didn't get my period for two months and was absolutely sure that I was carrying a life inside of me (so sure that I started bonding with it, came up with nicknames for it, and felt like I loved it), I got the news that those symptoms were indications of what's wrong with me and not a pregnancy at all.  I had been bonding with and loving a figment of my imagination.  Now I cry every day and every period feels like a failure, and that's just the way my life is.

But, no, you're right.  I should probably just relax.

"Well, hang in there.  I fully believe that you will be a mother one day."

I don't know if you know this, but you believing it will happen doesn't actually have any effect whatsoever on whether it does.  So.  Thanks, I guess.  But I don't feel better unless you have an actual way of fixing my stupid cyst-y uterus (in which case GIMME).

Basically, I started this blog as an outlet because I'm beginning to realize that almost no one understands what I'm going through and even the people in my life who love me and want to support me are starting to get a little sick of hearing about how I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm still infertile due to the fact that I still have PCOS.  Yes, even though that was my answer to "how are you" last week, it's my answer this week, too.  And I don't want to be that girl.  I don't want people to get sick of me.

If the internet gets sick of me, it's not really a big deal.

So... welcome to my life.  Nice to meet you.


  1. "Just relax and have fun! It will happen when it happens. Focus on all the good things in your life!"

    Unfortunately, I find it very difficult to pause my feelings. I'm in mourning. I thought my life would be a certain way and I thought trying to have a child would be easy since I'm young and healthy and willing to do an astronomical amount of research on anything even remotely connected to conception. "

    You are basically me. Get out of my head lol. I have been walking around basically bashing my head against the walls the last week TRYING to get over that I am in mourning.. unfortunately that kinda things rarely works and certainly hasnt been working for me. I guess thats not really helpful to you. but know that I hear you .. And AMEN!

    1. I appreciate the solidarity. What we are going through really is like mourning. It's hard to explain that to most people, so I love to hear when people get it. Definitely makes me feel less alone/crazy.

  2. I absolutely loved this! why? because I understand what you mean and I can relate to this 100%. It is so hard to explain to people that when you have pcos, it is not about relaxing and letting the universe do it's thing. It is about being proactive because we have less chances of getting pregnant than someone with out pcos. Even being proactive can be so draining at times...
    Great introduction though! :)

    1. Thank you for saying so! It's honestly such a relief when people actually understand what I'm talking about. Best of luck to you in your journey as well.

  3. I'm (almost) you 10 years in the future. I skipped law school and went the grad school route after getting a pre-law undergrad, and ended up a teacher. However, I waited to start in earnest trying to have a baby. I've only been on the medicated train for the last 2 1/2 years. Good luck to you. I hope you get everything you want close to the timeline you want.

    1. Nice to meet you! I hope you're able to conceive soon, too. I imagine 2.5 years on the crazy train is probably enough for anyone.

  4. Plenty of people manage to balance school and pregnancy/parenting, so I don't see why you couldn't either :) My SIL is pregnant and hopes to start school next year to get her PhD.

    I felt really alone after my miscarriage. No one understood what I was going through. People said a lot of the same things you've mentioned above, but it never helped (the God one bugs me most, I think).

    Our first baby died at about 8w4d, but I didn't find out until I was 12 weeks. We had our first ultrasound at 8w and everything looked fine. I spent those weeks in between bonding with her, even thinking I was feeling her move! I was crushed when I found out she had stopped growing (we got a pathology done since I had a D&C, so we found out the baby was a girl). I felt lost, alone. It was almost a year before I found Stirrup Queens' list of awesome ;) I found some bloggers that, even though they weren't facing the same situation I was, were going through a lot of the same emotions. I finally felt like I found a group of people who "got it." I hope her list does the same for you!

    I also hope that the fertility drugs work sooner rather than later!

    1. How horrible. I know what it's like to bond with something that doesn't exist, but I can't even imagine seeing a real, living child on an ultrasound and then to find out later that you'd been bonding with her after she had already died inside of you. How do you even begin to recover from something so terrible? I'm so glad that you found understanding and support in bloggers. I hope I will as well. I know that I am already starting to. Thank you for sharing your story and your kind wishes; it really does mean a lot to me.


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