Monday, September 29, 2014


I can't wait for anything anymore.  It's like it's taking all of my waiting ability, all of my strength, and all of my will power to hold it together while I wait for a baby (which, obviously, I'm not even doing very well) that waiting for anything else at all drives me crazy.

If my husband is five minutes late picking me up (because he has to drive me around now because SOMEONE STOLE MY BIKE BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH) I start fidgeting violently.  Spasming, really.  Like a crazy person.

And I'm an introvert.  I used to be great at filling time.  As long as I had a phone or a book or, often, even just my own imagination I used to be perfectly content for hours on end.  I would draw pictures on the roof of my mouth with my tongue.  I would think about what I would use as a weapon and what I would use as fortification if the zombie apocalypse happened exactly where I was and then I would evaluate my chances of survival based on that plan (tell you what, I would have been SCREWED in Zanzibar.  There are no doors or windows to shut; everything is so open.  And you can't even flee to the sea.  It's shallow for miles.)

Heck, I used to people watch.  For hours.  That's baffling to me now.  People watching these days is like dancing through a minefield.  No matter where I look I'll get a spike of pain.  I see a baby.  A stroller.  A pregnant woman.  An older man walking his elderly father.  A young couple clearly in love and unburdened by what I'm dealing with.  I can't look anywhere.  I used to try to guess what a person's life was like based on their shoes and if I did that now every single narration would be bitter.

I'm so boring now, you guys.  I'm so one-dimensional.  I'm only pain, only anger, only bitterness.  And that sucks because everything in my life is good except for this one thing.  I love my classes, I love my schedule, I love my husband, I love living where I live.  But none of those things take up anywhere near the amount of brain space that PCOS takes up for me.  I feel like it's become my entire life, my entire identity.  I am PCOS now.  Not a woman, not a wife, not a law student, not a sister or friend.  Just that one thing that everyone hates and doesn't want to talk about anymore because there's nothing else to say.

True confession: I started this post on impatience because I'm so impatient to get even one response on any of these entries.  I just want to know that SOMEONE has even read it.  I feel like I'm screaming into a void.


  1. I know it doesn't seem like it but I think this patience level grows with the journey. Not easily or without pain but it does grow. Me and impatience are old buddies now. At some point, I just knew the timing of it was out of my control and it brought about a sort of helpless long look into the abyss of waiting. I'm still waiting and it gets awful sometimes just wasn't as bad as I thought. The waiting at least, there are plenty of other parts to make up for it though. Oh yeah...You are not screaming into a void :)

    1. Thanks for the encouragement! I can't wait for the impatience to not feel so raw. That will be a good day. And it's really nice to know that someone out there read my post and commented. Honestly, it's the most uplifted I've felt in weeks. So thank you. :)

  2. Hey! Just found you on LFCA. I have no experience with PCOS, so I cannot offer any words of advice on your journey. I can say, however, is go to an RE sooner rather than later. Your OB, as fine as he/she may be, just isn't the same as far as how to get pregnant. My reluctance to go to the RE sooner is something I sometimes regret. Although not really since I have found success getting pregnant. But yes, I wanted a family much earlier than I was able to begin one.

    1. Congratulations on your pregnancy and thanks for the advice! We're still trying to figure out what our insurance does and does not cover (they are not extremely clear on the matter) and what we can afford before we make the decision on whether to switch to an RE, but I will keep that in mind.


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