Monday, February 16, 2015

I Don't Know What My Feels Are

So I haven't been blogging a lot.  And it's mostly because I don't know how to express what I'm feeling.  Because I don't really know what I'm feeling?  Feelings are weird?

When I was in the trenches my feelings were very difficult to experience, but very, very easy to articulate.  I felt sad/mad/bitter/resentful/hormonal/misunderstood/defective/alone/jealous/unfeminine/unhappy/unmyself.  Now my feelings are easy to deal with but I have no idea what they are.  People keep telling me I seem so much happier.  Am I?  Am I happy?  Is this what happiness feels like?  Could I really have forgotten what happiness feels like to such an extent that I don't recognize it anymore when I feel it?

After months of raging depression and ferocious anger, walking around and not feeling that way is strange and it feels a lot like being emotionless.  Don't get me wrong, I don't miss the emotion storm.  This isn't one of those things where I tell you that I started personifying my depression and came to view her as a constant companion and friend.  Nuh uh.  That jerkface can stay away forever.

But I am trying to figure out who I am without it.  And it's not as easy as just remembering who I was Before, because I'm never going to be that girl again.  That girl never had to deal with ANYTHING as hard as seeing blood on toilet paper and having no choice but to spend the rest of the day crying.  Those experiences changed me.  So if she's gone, and my barren hag persona is, at least for the moment, dormant, then who am I now?  And what does now feel like?

These are the things I have been thinking about lately.  I don't know if they make sense to anyone else.  They barely make sense to me.  But I'm figuring it out, and I'll keep you posted.

(P.S.  For those who have asked, and for those who didn't ask but are still wondering, I'm just over 8 weeks.)


  1. Yes what you write makes sense. A few months ago, I had attended a few Resolve support meetings that were facilitated by a "survivor" of infertility who had her children almost a decade ago. Still, she calls herself an infertile woman. That label, and more importantly, the experience, never go away. And when you're not even on the other side yet, it is difficult still to believe it will happen. It is difficult to have the blind hope that other pregnant women have. But I do think that as time progresses you will feel more used to that new identity. Keep in mind also the hormones cloud some of your thoughts and skew some of your feelings. I forget that but my husband reminds me of it - gently, but frequently!

    1. So true. It's not something that just goes away.

  2. It's okay to not be able to sort out your feelings right now. I'm 16 weeks and I still struggle a lot. I feel guilty for being so happy about being pregnant, I feel guilty about how happy I was to find out it's a girl.

    Take your time with your feelings.

    The rest of us will be thrilled for you and you will eventually catch up. :)

  3. I fucking miss your blogging. Are you closing it for real now? XOXXO

    1. Same here!
      I miss SecondVoice!

    2. I miss you guys, too. I posted an update to prove it!


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