The Aftermath

I don't know how many people will read this since it's been months since I've posted, but I wanted to share a picture of the end result of all this mess for any still wondering how it all turned out.  This is my gorgeous daughter.  She makes me happy every day.  I hope and pray that one day all of you who are still in the trenches and still hurting and trying and struggling and wanting will get to experience the joy that this little one brings me.  I love you guys.  Thank you for all the support and encouragement that you've given me.  I wouldn't have made it here without you.

No More, Please.

My dad's not great at taking hints sometimes.  So when Brother and CSIL tried to schedule a dinner with him prior to Thanksgiving so that they could tell him their pregnancy news before they tell the whole family, he absolutely refused to even entertain the idea if Husband and I weren't coming, too.  Because we are in town!  And he likes us very much!  So he wants to spend all the time with us!  And Brother and CSIL could not very well tell him that they did not want us to come because that would be weird!

That is how I ended up eating a calamari platter at The Cheesecake Factory and trying very hard not to show how impatient I was for Brother and CSIL to just say the thing already because I knew the thing was coming and I wanted to get past the thing and onto other things.  I'm unsure how effective my attempts to hide my impatience ended up being, but I deserve an A for effort.

When they finally said it, it was a relief.  Dad expressed happiness.  Dad's Girlfriend asked repeatedly, "Is this a joke!?  Seriously!?  No, really; twins!?  I'm just still not sure whether you're joking or not.  Are you pranking me!?"  (I know how you feel, Dad's Girlfriend.)

And then it was all over and the conversation moved on and the rest of my evening was lovely.  I gave myself a pat on the back for getting through it, and I felt stronger and more peaceful for hours, just basking in the glow of my accomplishment.

HAHA.  JUST KIDDING.  THAT DID NOT HAPPEN AND I DO NOT KNOW WHY I THOUGHT IT WOULD BECAUSE OF COURSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.  WHEN BABIES ARE BROUGHT UP THE TOPIC STAYS ON BABIES FOREVER.

I maintained a smile for the actual announcement, but then came The Questions.  How far along?  What genders?  What names?  Who knows so far?  Could she tell already which twin was her favorite and which would be the disappointment?  As it became clearer and clearer that I was trapped in this conversation, I had to start asking myself questions of my own.  Is this how my face is supposed to go?  How do normal people put their faces when they are present for a double baby announcement?  Am I talking too loudly?  Saying too many jokes?  Is the twinge of desperation apparent in my voice/expression/eyes/aura?  How many times is too many times to escape to the bathroom in one dinner?  How hard would it be to strangle myself with calamari?  Is there a way to get Dad's steak knife out of his hand and through my heart before he notices?

The dinner took almost three hours.  So that was fun.

But don't worry.  As soon as it was over I got to go home and relax.  In fact, I treated myself and spent the rest of the evening recuperating.

LOL, NOPE.  JUST KIDDING AGAIN.

CSIL's sister was in town, so when the dinner was over CSIL insisted that we come up to their apartment and say hi to her.  I backed away in panic.  Because CSIL cannot trick me!  Nobody is saying hi in that apartment.  CSIL is pregnant, and her sister just had a baby, so I know exactly what will be discussed if I go up to that apartment and I know exactly how long it will take.  The answer is forever.  It will take forever because people can talk about babies FOREVER.

But I was at a disadvantage in the discussion of whether to go up because I had to go to the bathroom (because I drank so much water at the restaurant so that I could go to the bathroom there, but my stupid bladder did not understand its job at all) so eventually I had to go up, if only to relieve myself.

And that is how I now know that CSIL's nephew is standing up sometimes, and that he cries a lot, and that he can pick up really heavy things, and that he's very cute but not a great listener, and that he torments the cat, and that he wakes up at seven, and all kinds of other things that I was not in the mood to learn.

Now I really am home and it's late and I'm emotionally exhausted.  I feel like I need a week to recover my good humor.  And yet I know that Thanksgiving will be even worse than what I've just gone through and I also know that it is in two short days.  So... yaaaay.  I can't wait.

Friendsgiving

I got ready for the event like I was getting ready for war.  My make-up was war paint.  My clothes were armor.  I took a lot of deep breaths and stalled strategically until I knew that other people would be there already so that I could blend into a crowd, but not so long that she would notice my absence and wonder.

By the way, to those friends who remembered that yesterday would be hard for me and reached out in the morning to let me know they were thinking about me and lending mental support: thank you so much.  It really helped.  I appreciate you guys more than I can say.

When I got there, there were only about five people, several of whom were friends I hadn't seen in a while.  I immediately got into a conversation with one of them which was lovely except that she had recently had a baby and started telling me how tough they are and how I should wait a very long time before I have one.  I put on a tight smile.

Then another friend who had recently had a baby walked in holding her baby.  So the two of them starting talking about labor and epidurals and I subtly backed away in panic.  Someone opened champagne around that point and I pounced on it.  Comments were made about my eagerness.  I ignored them and downed that golden elixir of relaxation like I was running a marathon and it was life-giving water.  And then I transitioned to a conversation with a single friend that I had just recently gotten to meet up with in England.  Hooray!  England!  What a safe topic!

The food was served and I surrounded myself with people of the male variety, which soon made me sincerely contemplate whether conversations about sports were TRULY better than baby talks.  But it was a good move because it got me invited to play a board game that takes about an hour to explain and several more hours to play.  I eyed the females congregating and giggling around the new baby and accepted immediately, even though I have failed miserably at this game before and had a terrible time (it was the Game of Thrones board game, if you're wondering.  Picture Risk, but in Westeros).

Thankfully, we played for the rest of the event.  I got to focus on deploying armies and bidding for the Iron Throne while catching only snatches of the baby talk around me.  I heard the word uterus several times, though.  Each time, it reaffirmed my excellent decision.

All was well as Brother claimed his seventh castle and won the game.  Husband and I announced that we had to go, since a two hour drive was waiting for us, and we said our goodbyes.  I could taste freedom.

But then, of course, CSIL decided to walk us to the car.

I'm very torn about what followed.  We chatted for a bit and she shared some of her struggles.  One of them was weight gain and she called me a skinny bitch, which made me a lot happier than I ever thought that phrase possibly could.  And it was nice to hear a bit about what she's going through and realize that this isn't all sunshine and roses for her either.

But at the same time, a part of me could only hear her saying, "Ugh, you know what sucks?  Being pregnant.  And you know what double sucks?  Being DOUBLE pregnant.  You have noooo idea."  That part of me wanted to scream or slap her and say, "OBVIOUSLY I WOULD TRADE MY SKINNY BODY AND MY LACK OF NAUSEA AND ALL MY MONEY AND BASICALLY ANYTHING ELSE TO HAVE EVEN HALF OF WHAT YOU HAVE.  STOP COMPLAINING."

But it was ok.  Because then I got to leave.  And leaving brought me such intense relief.  I really like feeling of not dreading anything.  It's a rush like no other.  And now I'm free!  Freeeeeee!

...until freaking Thanksgiving. :/

How am I? Umm...

I never thought the questions "how are you?" and "what's new?" would be such challenges for me.

There are two categories of askers, and I shall address them each individually.

Those Who Do Not Know:

Last night, an old friend got back in touch with me (am I old enough to have old friends?  I guess so.  Seems weird, though.) and asked what's new in my life.  This is a guy that I was very close to in high school, saw occasionally on breaks and things during college, and then lost touch with a few years ago.  This person asked me what was new.  It is an innocent question borne of genuine ignorance and equally genuine interest.  Several responses flitted through my mind:

The "Everything's Fine":

"Oh, not much!  Just loving life!  School is great; marriage is great; I'm basically living a fairy tale all day and every day!  I just wish I could share this joy with the world and especially with those in need!"

Pros:

• does not make anyone uncomfortable
• is not too much information in response to a casual question

Cons:

• makes me feel like a big fat liar

The "Sob Story":

"I just want babies and I don't have any and everyone else gets them and it isn't fair so I cry all of the time and nothing else in my life seems to have any meaning at all.  I have contemplated stealing babies.  I might have even actually stolen one briefly.  Don't worry about it.  Also, please don't tell the cops.  They don't understand my life."

Pros:

• it is accurate (well... not the baby stealing part.  I did not do that.  *shifty eyes*)
• it encourages a deeper level of communication

Cons:

• now he is trapped in a conversation about my problems
• I don't want PCOS to be the only thing that I ever, EVER freaking talk about 
• he might say one of those things I hate it when people say (see previous post, and/or imagine some well-meaning but unhelpful gobbledygook)

Those Who Know

This is equally tricky.  Because what do they mean?  Why are they asking?  How much are they asking?  Some responses:

The "Status Update":

"Pretty good.  My cervical mucus was slippery a few days ago so that's good news.  I had a lot of sexytimes and now I'm perma-crossing my fingers for two weeks.  They are super sore and it makes everyday chores harder.  Thanks for asking!"

Pros:

• This might legitimately be what they are asking
• Again, it is an honest description of what I am going through

Cons:

• This may not have been what they were asking AT ALL and now you've doomed them to more boring details and they want to slit their wrists but are forced instead to nod slowly
• Makes it seem like PCOS is the only thing going on in my life.  Sometimes I do feel like it is, but that doesn't mean I want to broadcast that to others.  I want others to think I'm cool and have, like, hobbies.  Or whatever.  Things I think about that don't rhyme with schmabies or schminfertility.

The "Grasping For Straws":

"I... went grocery shopping yesterday?  Still going to school... pretty much every day, now.... Uuuuhhhh.... oh!  Did you hear that the guy from High School Musical proposed to his girlfriend at Disneyland?  So that's a pretty big deal."

Pros:

• Probably less repetitive and more interesting than CM updates
• Might help me remember what else IS in my life right now and that's probably a good exercise for me
• If they were not asking for a PCOS update, I have responded in a socially appropriate way.  If they were, then they can clarify.

Cons:

• Even though I KNOW there are lots of things going on in my life, I can never think of them on the spot because my mind just keeps screaming unhelpful suggestions like, "Tell her about your comparison shopping of ovulation kits!  I'm sure she's interested in that!  Did you cover insurance questions yet?"
• Keeps the conversation more surface level.
• Once again just makes me feel like I'm not really answering honestly.

There are other options, but those are the main ones that immediately pop into my head when confronted with friendly, normal questions that people respond to all the time without having to make pro/con lists.  Can anyone think of any others?

(P.S.  In case any of YOU want to know how I'm doing...  I got my period today.  So.  Yeah.  At least 31 days is still pretty normal-like, right?  Come on, uterus.  Get it together.)