IComLeavWe and Stress and Other Ramblings

Happy International Comment Leaving Week!  I got lots of comments on my Chocolate post yesterday, which was very exciting but also amusing.  It was amusing because I didn't really think about how all the new people reading my blog would probably just read the most recent post because scrolling and clicking are hard (no judgement; I did the exact same thing on all of their blogs), and it didn't occur to me to try to tailor that post to reflect the kind of person I want new people to see me as.

As a result, I believe that everyone now pictures me somewhat like Gollum, only clutching chocolate bars instead of The One Ring.

Eh.  It's not inaccurate.

Anyway.  Right now I am stressed.  I'm in the middle of those chaos weeks I told you about earlier in "Apparently I am a child now" (That's the one where I was crying over a bike.  Remember that?  Good times.).  And to make things worse, I tried to dabble in a bit of escapism by playing Dragon Age: Origins and my game boyfriend broke up with me because I fought a freaking army to make him king and he now feels like he needs to marry someone of royal blood.  CLASSIST PIG.  I MADE YOU WHAT YOU ARE.

Oh, dear, this post is not making me look much better.

It's hard to focus on school and all the Very Important things that I need to do when I just keep thinking about my appointment on November 6.  The one where I start taking drugs.  I have so many thoughts and feelings about the drugs.  For example, should I tell people that I am taking them?  If so, all of the people or just some?  I don't want anyone to try to talk me out of it.  Everyone is still hung up on the fact that I am in law school, but I'm like sixteen steps beyond worrying about that.

Besides, at this point NOT being pregnant is as stressful and time-consuming as being pregnant would be.  So if y'all are worried about taking my attention away from my studies you are TOO LATE.  And it's killing me to just keep doing nothing besides waiting and crying and researching nursery themes online.  It's been over eight months of that, yo.  That's plenty.

At the same time, fertility drugs are just so not how I pictured my life.  I hate drugs.  I used to refuse to even take pain killers (not because I'm a hippie, just because the idea of something changing my body chemistry used to freak me out.  Don't worry; once I started getting super painful periods I reconsidered that stance real quick).  Am I about to put things in my body that will make me absolutely insane and give me all kinds of side effects and then not even work when all is said and done?  In a year will I be broker and crazier and still completely childless?

Yeah, possibly.  That's one of the potential outcomes here.  But I have to try.  I really do believe that.  I just wish I knew how best to mentally prepare.