Another Negative

Tested this morning.  Negative.  Because of course it's negative.  Why would I get to visit Brother and CSIL with good news?  Much better to drive down there and hear them talk some more about how excited they are to have twins KNOWING that I am not pregnant.

I feel like my body is broken.  It doesn't work like other women's bodies do.  Some piece of me inside is missing, and it's the piece that produces the baby dust.  And it's hard not to feel like I'm somehow just not good enough to be a mother.  Like maybe if I were just a better person then I'd get knocked up right away.  Which is unfoortunate because I often feel that this struggle is making me a worse person, so if it really is based on how worthy I am then I'll probably get less and less qualified as the months march on.

And I'm so tired.  Because I stayed up way too late last night all anxious about the results, and then I woke up way too early this morning and had to pee so I took the test and then couldn't get back to sleep.  Even though that's all I want to do.  I just want to sleep.  I just want to sleep forever and not feel.

I didn't cry this time.  I just felt empty.  Now I hope that AF comes ASAP so that I can just move on to next month.

Because this month sucked.

(UPDATE: Cross out the part about me not crying.  I did cry.  A lot.)