Something about actually seeing the blood made me mad. Just really angry. It's so not fair. Everyone in the world is pregnant, CSIL's having twins, and I've been trying for nine months, and I still get nothing. I've dieted. Exercised. Lost 20 pounds. Researched. Put up with Dr. Angry Eyebrows. Had sexytimes even when I didn't feel like having sexytimes and even when I was so busy that I had to work right through the sexytimes. I've prayed. I've cried. Arizona Sister-in-Law ("ASIL") is almost in her third trimester already and we were SUPPOSED to be pregnant together. What if she freaking gives birth, makes an ENTIRE baby, and I'm still not pregnant? All of it just hit me and I was furious.
I was also mad because I was out of pads. I bought some while I was visiting family last weekend but then left them there, as if my pregnant sister-in-law or menopausal mother had any use for them at all. And I hate driving to the store! Errands are annoying!
But I went. And I got my pads. And while I was there, I figured I should get my Clomid, too. I waited in line all grumpy and mad that I had to be there at all and I tried not to cry as she handed me my first batch of drugs, making my own body's failure official. I tried not to bite the head off of the pretty blonde pharmacist who walked me through how to take pills and then asked if I had any questions (You said put them in my mouth and then swallow? Can I swallow and then put them in my nose, or does that not work? I'm so confused.)
And on my way out I grabbed a six pack and put it on the conveyor belt because that is my new favorite way to deal with my problems apparently. The check-out lady asked me how my day was going and I said, "I'm buying alcohol and it isn't even noon yet, so... what do you think?" She laughed.
AND THEN I WENT CRAZY. I BOUGHT A LARGE PIZZA. AND I ATE IT. AND I DRANK THE ALCOHOL (One bottle. Calm down. I didn't have the whole six pack. And if we're really being honest, I only had two slices of the pizza.). AND THEN I DUG UP THE COFFEE ICE CREAM THAT'S BEEN IN THE FREEZER FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS BECAUSE I COULDN'T EAT DAIRY AND HUSBAND DOESN'T LIKE COFFEE AND I ATE THAT, TOO.
Because forget my diet. It's making me miserable. And it's not even working. I lost weight but who even cares if I don't get a baby. Drugs are my solution now. I mean, I'll still try to eat healthy and whatever, but I'm not going to get all guilty every time I have something with milk or sugar in it. That's exhausting. So... Chapter Two: Can Drugs Save Us All starts now. Fingers crossed, you guys.
I get like this about once every 4-6 months (depending on how terrible the cycles are). I have given into the debauchery honestly. Am I not supposed to even take pity on myself? I am trying to be a decent human being and not let envy poison me so I sometimes choose carbs instead. In order for me not to became some infertile version of crazy eyes (orange is the new black reference), I have to let the full sadness of my situation hit me sometimes and allow myself to feel the pity I don't really want (and can't probably take) from others. It's only natural ;) You'll get through it and by all means...sometimes...every now and then...get through it with Chocolate.
ReplyDeleteChocolate! I knew I forgot something. ;)
DeleteFor real, though. Sometimes it is good to unwind just a little bit to keep the Crazy Eyes caged. No one wants to be her. She crazy.
HAHA Yes, I go through cycles like this. Ive been there more than once in my long journey. Unfortunately. Sometimes Im like fuck this shit... eat ALL THE THINGS! But try not to stay there for long. You have worked really hard to get to where you are and it would SUCK to throw away all that work. At least if everyone else is pregnant you get to still look fabulous! Enjoy your carbs and beer and icecream. Hopefully things look better tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteThanks. They do look a little better today. But I regret nothing! :)
DeleteFuck this shit. Eat thst ice cream. I think every infertile has tried a better diet, more exercise, cutting out caffeine and alcohol etc etc and in the end there is no pregnancy. There is so much stress involved with infertility that you HAVE to reward yourself with something "bad" and, frankly, normal!
ReplyDeleteAnd like others said, some cycles hit us worse than others. Sometimes we have to wallow in our sadness for a few days. Sometimes we have to "punish" our bodies for punishing us.
And, I am the same way when I find out someone is pregnant. I plead with the universe to be pregnant by the time they find out the gender, then the baby shower, then the birth. Then, start thinking whrn they have a second maybe our pregnancies will align. I hate this bargaining and pleading with the universe. I want the universe to hear us, hrlp us, relieve us!
(Sorry, angry day here too. Hope you feel better soon.)
Ugh, exactly. If I'm not pregnant by the time she gives birth it's going to be a really bad day for me. Really bad. And if I'm not pregnant by the time the freaking twins are born... I'm gonna break something. Or I'm gonna take a twin. It's only fair. What do they need two for!?
DeleteYes, eat the pizza and the ice cream once in awhile! I think it's important to give in once in awhile if it helps with all the crazy-making that the rest of our lives are putting us through.
ReplyDeleteAlways hard when AF arrives. Hugs for you girl!!! xoxo
ReplyDelete