Friday, January 16, 2015

Self-Destructive Googling

Someone needs to put a limit on my daily Google searches.  I should get like three.  And when I use those up, there should be no way for me to Google anything at all until the next day.  Maybe that will teach me.

The following is a list of things that I Google that I SHOULD NOT GOOGLE and reasons why it is a bad idea (not that many of them need any explanation):

Number one:

Offending Search Term: Every symptom I have followed by the word "pregnant"

Examples:  "mood swings pregnant", "hair falling out pregnant", "my nose itches am I pregnant", "is nails growing particularly fast a common pregnancy symptom"

Reasons That It Is A Bad Idea To Search That:  As it turns out, every pregnant woman ever has had every symptom ever and they just freaking love to post about it.  I can't tell you how many times I've read some late night post by a woman who has just suddenly noticed that her toes are hairy or her freckles seem more pronounced and said woman wants to know what such a thing could mean.  Inevitably, there is an onslaught of assurances that she is definitely in the motherly way because Poster #1's sister and Poster #17's mother-in-law had the exact same thing happen and they were both pregnant with triplets.  A few days/posts later the original woman joyously announces that everyone was right and she was pregnant the whole time.  Only with sextuplets.  These stories, they give me hope.  But they should not.  Because my body is crazy and it gives me whatever symptoms it feels like and I fill in the gaps by making up the rest.  Each cycle there's a new one to convince me that this time and with this unique symptom I am definitely knocked up.  Yet I never am.  Turns out sometimes I just get really hungry or hate smelly things or have a metallic taste in my mouth for no reason at all.  Fun!

Why I Do It Anyway:  Because this time is different, you guys.  This time is the time!!

Number two:

Offending Search Term: "adoption agencies in my area"

Reasons That It Is A Bad Idea To Search That:  Because I'm not actually at that stage yet.  We're not in a position to adopt.  It's expensive and it takes a long time and I'm not ready to give up on conventional (or even unconventional) methods of childbearing just yet.  Only it turns out that when I'm not actually ready to help them, staring at pictures of children who have no (or who have really crappy) parents is super freaking depressing.  They all just want love!  How could their parents abandon them!?  And why did those parents get to be parents in the first place when I don't?

Why I Do It Anyway:  I don't know, really.  Maybe I'm hoping I'll fall in love with one of them and be saved from this whole process.  Or maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment.

Number three:

Offending Search Term: "pregnancy announcements after infertility"

Reasons It's A Bad Idea To Search That:  Ugh, this is a big one for me.  I watched some of these videos this morning.  There are so many on YouTube!  The wives usually set up some kind of cute surprise or present to tell their husbands and said husbands are shocked and keep asking "Are you sure?"  Then they tell their parents, who cry and scream and keep saying how happy they are.  Generally there's a lot of hugging.  And by the end of the video, I'm always sobbing.  One hundred percent of the time.  Ugly crying, too.  No single, powerful tear drop framing my face.  Nuh uh.  We're talking red-faced, scrunched-eyes, snot-filled bawling.  I'm happy for them, I'm sad for me, I'm generally emotional all over the place.  And then I'm in a mood for, like, hours.  Husband hates it.  I have to do it mostly when he's not around.  Which is worse because then I'm alone and crying alone is one of my least favorite things to do ever.

Why I Do It Anyway:  I get to live vicariously for a moment.  There's something gratifying about seeing someone else in my position get what I want and then broadcasting their emotions about it online.  And sometimes crying feels good.  I think when it builds up to a certain point I need to let it out, and these videos are a super easy trigger.

Some other things I Google that I shouldn't include:
nursery themes
cute baby announcements
my potential due date every single cycle
babies in Halloween costumes

And, finally, I have literally searched "when will I have a baby?" on multiple occasions.  As if the great internet gods can answer me and my results page will just say "tomorrow, and it will be a boy."  Somehow, that is never the case.

Do you guys have any bad Googling or internet habits like those?


  1. Number 1 - done it sooooo many times. And then I get wrapped up in googling for way too long. Sometimes, I try to impose a limit to the amount of time I spend on googling and that helps somewhat. I am also veeeeererrry guilty of googling follicle numbers and amounts in conjunction with estradiol levels. And often, as you say, the answers are not reassuring or even helpful.

    I wish I could say now that I'm pregnant the self-destructive googling has stopped, but it hasn't. "Less symptoms this hour" or "will I feel a loss at 17 dpo" are now the dismal topics I search.

    Just shows what a mindfuck infertility is. Add loss into it and I get so out of control.

    And you and I are in general rational, analytical people. Our livelihoods are dependent on our abilities to be objective and calm. Yet we are grasping for straws on Google and know it's not helpful but yet it IS helpful because it makes us feel less alone? Normal? I don't know but I do it and I generally accept that is just the way it is for now.

    Good luck conquering this Google monster.

    1. Congratulations on your pregnancy! It's looks like we're the exact same number of weeks. ;)

  2. BAHAHA!!! Didn't I post on this exact thing a while back? Step away from the google! It's so hard though. It's so nice to have immediate feedback instead of having to think about it without knowing anything for, like, EVER!

    1. You totally did talk about the symptom googling. I remember laughing. Tragically, I have yet to find anyone who also obsessively googles the other two.

  3. I would not visit all. It is a complete Siren for infertiles. The nurseries...the announcements...the maternity clothes.Oh my. It's calling you right now isn't it? Damn.

    1. Oh my gosh. I have not yet joined and I know that as soon as I do I will lose my soul to it. I'm always eternally grateful that I hadn't heard of it when I got married or I would have pinned ALL the wedding things.

  4. Hello!

    So I just binge-read your entire blog in just a few days because OH MY GOD! Everything is so on point, and it is just sooooo refreshing to read that. I've shared your blog with my husband too, and he loves it! Thank you so much, and I'm truly hoping for only good things in your future.


    1. Aw, welcome! I'm always excited to get new readers. :)

  5. "Because my body is crazy and it gives me whatever symptoms it feels like and I fill in the gaps by making up the rest."

    This is probably my favorite sentence in this whole post, mostly because it is so abso-freakin'-lutely accurate! I keep returning to it, re-reading it, sucking it into my soul today. After struggling with infertility, status-post 6 miscarriages, and giving it one last 'good-ol' college try' today I was absolutely positive - nay CERTAIN - that I was pregnant this month. Sore boobs screaming with pain (in fact, I actually debated wearing my bra to sleep in last night they hurt so bad), cramping - which I have had with every.single.pregnancy (and the doctors all say that cramping is totally normal - until it isn't - and it never is normal for me), highly emotional, etc. And literally, 20 minutes ago, went pee for the 15th time today, and there it was - blood. Oh, the mind-fuck that we put ourselves through time after time after time. The stupid drugs that fools us into thinking that maybe all these symptoms are actual pregnancy symptoms this month, only to kick you once again in your empty uterus, mocking you every single second...
    Oh well, there is always next month, right?! :)

    1. Ugh... I'm so sorry. Seeing blood (or seeing a negative pregnancy test) is the worst feeling in the world. Sending you baby dust and love!


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