Monday, January 26, 2015

Well. Look at that.

So... I'm pregnant.  (I'm going to tell the story, but I skipped to the conclusion first because I know that's easier sometimes.  Pregnancy is where this is going.  Read on if you would like to.)

One week ago, I lay in bed for about three hours debating with myself whether or not to test.  I didn't want to see another freaking negative but I'd had cramps for several days and no blood and I knew I'd go crazy if I didn't just take the test and be done with it.  Finally, when I really had to pee and couldn't put the decision off anymore, I went to the bathroom, did my business, and then angrily slapped the test down on the counter and got ready to cry all day.  I played a game on my phone while I waited to keep from looking.  But then, because I'm me, I glanced anyway.  I was already telling myself that no line didn't necessarily mean no pregnancy and that I had to wait a couple more minutes to be sure...

Only the line was there right away.  And it was really freaking dark.  Look how dark!



I've pictured my reaction to such a thing several times, but all I felt (and felt strongly) was complete and utter shock.  Just shock.  No thoughts in my head at all other than "Uuuummmm.......?".

I picked it up, stared at it while I walked down the hall, and woke up Husband.  Then I told him I was pregnant.  He mumbled something about how he was very sleepy but that he loved me sooooo much (he's not good with processing information when he's suddenly woken up).

So then I emailed KC, because of everyone in the world she understands most (having just gotten pregnant after infertility herself).

She was very excited.  And that made me really happy because I felt like someone should be and Husband and I were clearly not stepping up to the plate.  Thankfully, she told me that she felt the exact same way when she got her positive and sent me a picture of her holding up a pregnancy test with a "Meh, I'm not sure about this" face.  So that was reassuring.  And eventually Husband woke up a little more and called me back in with a, "Wait, what did you say?"

It's been a week since then and I am still not totally processing this.  On a conscious level, anyway.  I think that I've accepted the reality on a soul level, because I've been really, really happy.  Comments have been made.  "Why are you so dressed up?" (Meaning: Hmmm, you aren't in the baggy sweatshirt and jeans you've worn for the last several months out of an inability to care about anything at all besides babies...),  or "You sound happier than last time we talked."  (Meaning: Man, you're usually super depressing to talk to.  Today less so.)

I'm trying to be patient and not too excited because I know that the time I'm in right now is a dangerous one, that the rate of miscarriage for women with PCOS is higher than normal, and that if I get my hopes up then I will only be crushed if something goes wrong.  But if I'm honest, I think that there realistically isn't anything I can do about making miscarriage less devastating.  I just pray that it won't happen to me because I think I might never recover.

I've decided to keep blogging, but I understand if a lot of readers decide to stop reading.  No hard feelings.  I've stopped reading a few blogs because of pregnancy, too.  And in some ways I feel like I'm betraying everyone by getting pregnant because now I'm one of those women we rant about and I know I might cause some of you pain.  And that just sucks, as many aspects of infertility do.

But the truth is that a pregnancy after infertility is totally different than other, "normal" pregnancies, and I'm still going to need a community of people who get it.  So I hope a few of you stick around.  Either way, I want everyone to know that they mean a lot to me and that I wish them only the best in their lives, whether you stay with my blog or not.  You're all awesome people and I'm so thankful for each and every one of you.

That is what I have to say.

12 comments:

  1. Fuck YEah!!! Everything else I wanted to say I'll say to you directly. I still "fucking love you chica!" Hope you are feeling well and processing and all that.

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    1. I love you, too. You are awesome and secretly one of my favorite people in the world.

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  2. Congratulations, what wonderful news!
    I promise I'm a loyal reader!

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    1. Aw, thank you. That means a lot to me.

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  3. Yay!!!!!!!!! You're pregnant! I related to so much of what you wrote. I had period like cramps before I tested so I just thought it was a delayed period. I played a game on my phone while I waited. Had very diluted piss but somehow had a dark line too. And when I saw that line I was happy but really more confused than anything else.

    So happy for you!!

    And yes, as a fellow PCOSer I am sadly aware of the miscarriage stats for us. AND, having lived through one, it IS the worst pain ever. As I approach my first ultrasound, I am reliving hearing the news that my baby did not develop properly. And I will wish you so much peace and luck that you avoid this. Keep blogging, it helps immensely with the anxiety. I have also found acupuncture to be wonderful as well.

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    1. Thanks, I'm excited that we're going to be going through this together. I hope everything at your ultrasound goes well! I'm really happy for you and hope that things will be different this time and that you will find healing in that.

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  4. I am soooo happy for you! I won't lie, I had to take a couple of days away. Only because I am currently with the Big Red witch and she refused to let any joy in the room :) She's still here but I have subdued her into a corner. I will be a loyal reader as long as you write. I sincerely hope you write all about your pregnancy and on into motherhood. You won't lose as many followers as you might think, once you've struggled with IF...you are one of us for life. See you in your next post :)

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    1. Ugh, I hate that witch. I wish she'd leave you alone! But thank you for your support. It truly does mean a lot to me.

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  5. Congratulations! I just found your blog about a week ago after deciding I should try a few infertility/PCOS ones to follow instead of all the happy, sometimes depressing, baby filled ones. I will keep reading because I'm really excited to read about your experience and because you give us fellow PCOSers hope :). Sending positive thoughts your way!

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    1. Thanks for your positive thoughts! And welcome! I hope this blog will be less depressing for you than others. We cysters have to stick together. ;)

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