I tried so hard to stay out of it, you guys. I was able to be positive for like a month. And it felt so nice. So freaking good. But even as I enjoyed it, I knew it couldn't last. After receiving The News, I've been sucked right back into the negative, depressed vortex that I tried so hard to fight.
The feeling of constantly being on the edge of tears is familiar, but this time I also feel... bruised. There's no other way to describe it. I just feel like I've been sucker punched.
Part of that might be the fact that I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of my cat scratching at a door, and in my sleepy stupor I assumed it was the bathroom door and stumbled over to grant her access to her litter box, only it turned out that it was my bedroom door that was closed and I walked straight into it. My nose hurts very badly.
And what a freaking metaphor for my life right now. For this whole process. I just keep slamming into closed doors and getting hurt.
My progesterone level looked pretty good. It was a 12.1. That's high enough that I ovulated but it's still low for a pregnancy. Not impossibly low, but low. Dr. Angry Eyebrows thinks I should test on Friday if I haven't gotten my period yet, because that will be CD30 and 10dpo. But I'm so freaking pessimistic right now that I'm just sure that the test will be as negative as I am. So I'm going to take it, and then I'm going to wait impatiently, and then my fears will be confirmed and I'm going to cry, and then I'm going to hop into the car and drive down to spend the weekend with CSIL and her tiny baby twin fetuses and every minute of it will suck me deeper and deeper into The Pit until I can never get out again.
That's how I'm feeling right now.
Showing posts with label dr. angry eyebrows. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dr. angry eyebrows. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Thursday, November 6, 2014
The Day the Drug Deal Went Down
I made a drug deal today, you guys. That is the only thing that I will ever call fertility treatments, because the three or four times today that I said the word "drugs" my ob-gyn corrected me and said, "Call them medications, please" with increasing annoyance. And that amuses me. Because he was really upset by the end. And he has really big eyebrows, and I think that they were upset, too. They were quivering. So henceforth I will call my prescriptions "drug deals" and I will call my ob-gyn "Dr. Angry Eyebrows".
Because screw him. He's a nice guy and whatever, but he does not have time for me and he made that very clear every time I asked a question and he literally threw his hands up in the air instead of answering. Or made really vague comments about how "well, some diets say one thing and other diets say another and they all think they're right". Yes, but you are a medical professional. And I am asking YOU.
He gave me basically no information about drugs. (THAT'S RIGHT, I CALLED THEM DRUGS AGAIN, YOU DRUG DEALER.) I was like, "Listen, everyone I know who has used Metformin has been successful and everyone who uses Clomid is still trying, but I understand that my sample size is small, so, in your experience, which is more likely to yield results? And do you have any hard data on the average amount of months it takes to achieve pregnancy for your patients on each drug, or anything like that? Or just a general idea?"
And he was like, "I read an article a couple months ago that said they're pretty much the same." And he thought that answered my question. No, it did not. You read a freaking article? I can read articles. You have actual patients. I was asking about them. Did you not understand the question, or can you really just not remember whether or not these drugs (YES, DRUGS) have worked for any of the people who come into your office and pay a couple hundred dollars so that you can not answer any of their questions?
Then he printed out a three page article about what PCOS is for me as if I don't know how to use Google and haven't spent months reading ALL the articles in the universe on the myriad of problems with the disappointment machine I keep where my baby-grower should be.
And then he was like, "So are we done here? I'm done." Thanks, Dr. Angry Eyebrows. You have a nice day, too.
And, look. I get it. This is the thirty-millionth time he has had this conversation and written this prescription. But it's the first time that I have had this conversation, and it is his freaking job to answer my freaking questions about it!
Whatever. It's fine. I got a prescription for Clomid because the one and only thing that he actually told me was that Clomid is better if you don't need to lose weight and Metformin is better if you do. Thanks to my 20 pound weight loss extravaganza, my weight is not at all an issue. Soooo Clomid.
And on the 10th I'm going to get my progesterone checked to see if I ovulated this month.
And sometime in the next couple weeks, Husband is going to get his sperm checked. Which he has feelings about. But maybe I'll talk about that in another post. Just know for now that his feelings amuse me, because I have been having feelings for, like, ever. Your turn, sucker! Mwahaha.
Because screw him. He's a nice guy and whatever, but he does not have time for me and he made that very clear every time I asked a question and he literally threw his hands up in the air instead of answering. Or made really vague comments about how "well, some diets say one thing and other diets say another and they all think they're right". Yes, but you are a medical professional. And I am asking YOU.
He gave me basically no information about drugs. (THAT'S RIGHT, I CALLED THEM DRUGS AGAIN, YOU DRUG DEALER.) I was like, "Listen, everyone I know who has used Metformin has been successful and everyone who uses Clomid is still trying, but I understand that my sample size is small, so, in your experience, which is more likely to yield results? And do you have any hard data on the average amount of months it takes to achieve pregnancy for your patients on each drug, or anything like that? Or just a general idea?"
And he was like, "I read an article a couple months ago that said they're pretty much the same." And he thought that answered my question. No, it did not. You read a freaking article? I can read articles. You have actual patients. I was asking about them. Did you not understand the question, or can you really just not remember whether or not these drugs (YES, DRUGS) have worked for any of the people who come into your office and pay a couple hundred dollars so that you can not answer any of their questions?
Then he printed out a three page article about what PCOS is for me as if I don't know how to use Google and haven't spent months reading ALL the articles in the universe on the myriad of problems with the disappointment machine I keep where my baby-grower should be.
And then he was like, "So are we done here? I'm done." Thanks, Dr. Angry Eyebrows. You have a nice day, too.
And, look. I get it. This is the thirty-millionth time he has had this conversation and written this prescription. But it's the first time that I have had this conversation, and it is his freaking job to answer my freaking questions about it!
Whatever. It's fine. I got a prescription for Clomid because the one and only thing that he actually told me was that Clomid is better if you don't need to lose weight and Metformin is better if you do. Thanks to my 20 pound weight loss extravaganza, my weight is not at all an issue. Soooo Clomid.
And on the 10th I'm going to get my progesterone checked to see if I ovulated this month.
And sometime in the next couple weeks, Husband is going to get his sperm checked. Which he has feelings about. But maybe I'll talk about that in another post. Just know for now that his feelings amuse me, because I have been having feelings for, like, ever. Your turn, sucker! Mwahaha.
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