I tried so hard to stay out of it, you guys. I was able to be positive for like a month. And it felt so nice. So freaking good. But even as I enjoyed it, I knew it couldn't last. After receiving The News, I've been sucked right back into the negative, depressed vortex that I tried so hard to fight.
The feeling of constantly being on the edge of tears is familiar, but this time I also feel... bruised. There's no other way to describe it. I just feel like I've been sucker punched.
Part of that might be the fact that I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of my cat scratching at a door, and in my sleepy stupor I assumed it was the bathroom door and stumbled over to grant her access to her litter box, only it turned out that it was my bedroom door that was closed and I walked straight into it. My nose hurts very badly.
And what a freaking metaphor for my life right now. For this whole process. I just keep slamming into closed doors and getting hurt.
My progesterone level looked pretty good. It was a 12.1. That's high enough that I ovulated but it's still low for a pregnancy. Not impossibly low, but low. Dr. Angry Eyebrows thinks I should test on Friday if I haven't gotten my period yet, because that will be CD30 and 10dpo. But I'm so freaking pessimistic right now that I'm just sure that the test will be as negative as I am. So I'm going to take it, and then I'm going to wait impatiently, and then my fears will be confirmed and I'm going to cry, and then I'm going to hop into the car and drive down to spend the weekend with CSIL and her tiny baby twin fetuses and every minute of it will suck me deeper and deeper into The Pit until I can never get out again.
That's how I'm feeling right now.
Showing posts with label two week wait. Show all posts
Showing posts with label two week wait. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Get out of my sexytimes, PCOS!
You know what I hate? I hate that I always, always know exactly where I am in my cycle. And I hate that whenever Husband comes at me all sexy-like (and, guys, he is super sexy when he comes at me all sexy-like), I do the math and I either think "YES. LET'S DO THIS. SEXYTIME A BABY INTO ME." or I think "We are wasting some perfectly good sexytimes not making a baby."
Every time. I can't not have those thoughts. If I'm into it, I have those thoughts. If I'm not in the mood, I still have those thoughts. And they affect whether I decide to get in the mood or not. Not definitively, but they are a factor.
And the time of month affects where I want to have sexytimes, too, because I am sure as heck not going to be stuck in the shower with my legs up in the air for half an hour post-sexytimes. Because even if that is a silly superstition and doesn't have any effect on anything, I am taking no chances. If it's fertile times, those legs are going up. And I want to be on a comfy bed or couch when they do.
And I just really hate that. I hate how it has invaded that intimate area of my life. I wish sexytimes could just be sexytimes and not be about anything else ever.
I hate having to schedule it, too. Ovulation is the least romantic time of the month. There's no surprise or excitement because I know it's coming and I'm almost dreading it because of the pervasive feeling that it's just going to fail again and my own natural inclination to not even try if I think I'm going to fail.
By the way, if anyone wants to throw a "just relax and it will happen" my way in the comments, I WILL MURDER YOU. AND I AM IN LAW SCHOOL, SO I WILL KNOW HOW NOT TO GET CONVICTED. TRY ME. JUST YOU TRY IT.
Still no period, by the way. Good news or bad news? If I were a betting woman, I know where I'd put my money...
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Apparently I am a child now.
So, Day 29 of this cycle. Still no period. But I would bet money that it will come tomorrow, because I am PMSing hardcore.
Basically, I just cried all the way home because I hate my "new" bike. In my defense, my new bike is stupid.
My old bike (which, quick refresher, was stolen from right outside of my apartment, even though it was locked) was a gift from my dad, and it was beautiful and sea-green with a black basket made to look like it had cool vines on it. I named her Marine Cassidy and we were the best of friends. My new bike is a Craigslist find that looked in the picture like a bike that could be owned by a fully grown woman, but that in fact was clearly made for a young girl. Tweener, tops. I named her Cyndi (the i is supposed to have a heart on it; that's mandatory) because she has a stupid butterfly tramp stamp and I hate it and I hate her and that is my story. Also the basket is in the front which makes it impossible to attach a light to the front, which I did not realize, so I was biking some pretty pot-holey roads in pitch darkness. Without my glasses. And also while crying.
Ok, it wasn't just because of the bike. I am also very stressed. The Chaos Weeks are coming. I have a hearing (meaning I have to write a memorandum and prep for oral argument and meet with my client several times to make sure he is ready) and a moot court competition (meaning I have to write a brief and then write and deliver two oral arguments) and a church event for the children that I am planning (meaning I have to plan all the activities and order all the things we need and recruit volunteers and tell them what to do, and plan/deliver a short sermon) all in the next two weeks and it is too many things. Too many. And that is on top of normal law school and editing the thesis that I volunteered to edit and dealing with infertility. So in class when I found out about another surprise thing that is very big and due in two days I was rather unhappy about it. I will be so glad when October is over.
Plus, again, I'm fairly sure I'm PMSing. Or, whatever, maybe not. Because PCOS can do whatever it wants to me at whatever time, so this really could just be a thing that's happening for no reason. Or it could be pregnancy hormones. Isn't it fun how the symptoms for all three are exactly the same? I love being able to guess whether the craziness I'm going through is the first sign of my dreams come true or another bitter disappointment or pointless havoc. It is my favorite game.
Basically, I just cried all the way home because I hate my "new" bike. In my defense, my new bike is stupid.
My old bike (which, quick refresher, was stolen from right outside of my apartment, even though it was locked) was a gift from my dad, and it was beautiful and sea-green with a black basket made to look like it had cool vines on it. I named her Marine Cassidy and we were the best of friends. My new bike is a Craigslist find that looked in the picture like a bike that could be owned by a fully grown woman, but that in fact was clearly made for a young girl. Tweener, tops. I named her Cyndi (the i is supposed to have a heart on it; that's mandatory) because she has a stupid butterfly tramp stamp and I hate it and I hate her and that is my story. Also the basket is in the front which makes it impossible to attach a light to the front, which I did not realize, so I was biking some pretty pot-holey roads in pitch darkness. Without my glasses. And also while crying.
Ok, it wasn't just because of the bike. I am also very stressed. The Chaos Weeks are coming. I have a hearing (meaning I have to write a memorandum and prep for oral argument and meet with my client several times to make sure he is ready) and a moot court competition (meaning I have to write a brief and then write and deliver two oral arguments) and a church event for the children that I am planning (meaning I have to plan all the activities and order all the things we need and recruit volunteers and tell them what to do, and plan/deliver a short sermon) all in the next two weeks and it is too many things. Too many. And that is on top of normal law school and editing the thesis that I volunteered to edit and dealing with infertility. So in class when I found out about another surprise thing that is very big and due in two days I was rather unhappy about it. I will be so glad when October is over.
Plus, again, I'm fairly sure I'm PMSing. Or, whatever, maybe not. Because PCOS can do whatever it wants to me at whatever time, so this really could just be a thing that's happening for no reason. Or it could be pregnancy hormones. Isn't it fun how the symptoms for all three are exactly the same? I love being able to guess whether the craziness I'm going through is the first sign of my dreams come true or another bitter disappointment or pointless havoc. It is my favorite game.
Friday, October 10, 2014
How long to wait?
Ok, so I know I already said I was completely sure that I'm not pregnant this month... but that was when I was sick and miserable and in a very negative frame of mind. I got lots of sleep and I'm all better now. Well, my body is (minus my good friends the crazy PCOS symptoms). My mind, on the other hand, is now back to anxious "what if"s.
Because, you know, I COULD be pregnant... Maybe? Maybe this time?
Ugh. The problem with not being sick and pessimistic is that now the ol' two week wait actually FEELS like a two week wait again. I was kinda enjoying not counting and recounting the days. I went three whole days without checking my fertility tracker app! That's got to be some kind of record for me.
So the quandary I'm puzzling over right now is what day I should test if I don't get a magical repeat of last month's perfect cycle length. I'm on Day 25. Last month I had my period on Day 28. The several months before that my cycles have been anywhere between 26 and 58 days. According to the aforementioned fertility app, my average length is 39 days.
Yes, I realize I'm just spouting numbers and that none of them mean anything because my body is a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in crossword puzzles and Sudokus that were written by third graders and don't make any sense because no one explained to them what a Sudoku was and the answer to every crossword is "fart" no matter what the clue is and no matter how many boxes.
That was a long analogy. It kinda got away from me.
I asked Husband how long he thought we should wait and he said we should wait a month after my period is due. A MOTHER FLIPPING MONTH. So I asked him how long he thought we should wait once he factored in the fact that I go crazy when I have to wait for things and that he has to live with me and that if it were up to me I would test early and often. He then said fifty days. When I calmly and rationally pointed out to him (if you're picturing me screaming like a banshee and my eyes flashing all crazy-like, you're pretty close) that fifty days was longer than a month, he said, "Oh, sorry. I meant two months the first time."
HE MEANT TWO MONTHS THE FIRST TIME.
So basically I am no longer consulting him on issues of timeline. I love him very much, but he is a very stable and constant person who does not always understand the crazies that explode inside of me on a daily basis. The stableness and constantness will come in all kinds of handy when we're actually parents and need to live from crisis to crisis, but right now it just makes him and his entire outlook on life very strange to me.
Because, you know, I COULD be pregnant... Maybe? Maybe this time?
Ugh. The problem with not being sick and pessimistic is that now the ol' two week wait actually FEELS like a two week wait again. I was kinda enjoying not counting and recounting the days. I went three whole days without checking my fertility tracker app! That's got to be some kind of record for me.
So the quandary I'm puzzling over right now is what day I should test if I don't get a magical repeat of last month's perfect cycle length. I'm on Day 25. Last month I had my period on Day 28. The several months before that my cycles have been anywhere between 26 and 58 days. According to the aforementioned fertility app, my average length is 39 days.
Yes, I realize I'm just spouting numbers and that none of them mean anything because my body is a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in crossword puzzles and Sudokus that were written by third graders and don't make any sense because no one explained to them what a Sudoku was and the answer to every crossword is "fart" no matter what the clue is and no matter how many boxes.
That was a long analogy. It kinda got away from me.
I asked Husband how long he thought we should wait and he said we should wait a month after my period is due. A MOTHER FLIPPING MONTH. So I asked him how long he thought we should wait once he factored in the fact that I go crazy when I have to wait for things and that he has to live with me and that if it were up to me I would test early and often. He then said fifty days. When I calmly and rationally pointed out to him (if you're picturing me screaming like a banshee and my eyes flashing all crazy-like, you're pretty close) that fifty days was longer than a month, he said, "Oh, sorry. I meant two months the first time."
HE MEANT TWO MONTHS THE FIRST TIME.
So basically I am no longer consulting him on issues of timeline. I love him very much, but he is a very stable and constant person who does not always understand the crazies that explode inside of me on a daily basis. The stableness and constantness will come in all kinds of handy when we're actually parents and need to live from crisis to crisis, but right now it just makes him and his entire outlook on life very strange to me.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Miserable Musings
Uuuuugggghhhhhh I am sick today so everything seems exponentially more awful.
I'm in a depressed funk, but one that's more comical than worrisome. I'm like a sitcom character with a "look how depressed I am" punchline for every comment anyone tries to make at me.
Basically, I am Eeyore.
"Look how expensive this soap is!"
"Can't. I'm very busy melting into a miserable puddle that will seep into the floor and stain the carpet because I cannot even die in a way that will not inconvenience everyone around me."
Actual conversation that I had with the girl sitting next to me in class.
Ok, fine, it wasn't. Sometimes I am that clever, but when I am sick and depressed I mostly manage grunt responses. I believe what I actually replied was, "What, does it have gold in it?" Not my best material. But I promise that in my mind I am a sparkling wit.
Anyway, obviously the miserableness has ventured into the realm of babies because, well, that's just my life now. If my cycle is normal like everyone else's (and like it was last month and maybe will be again? Maybe? The weight loss COULD have worked, right?) then I am in the two week wait. Everyone's very favorite time. Only, honestly, I'm in such a negative frame of mind that I am POSITIVE that I am once again not pregnant. I'm 100% certain that this month was yet another failure. So I'm still impatient and everything, but more because I want to just get it over with, get my stupid period, feel all the horrible feelings that I already know I will feel no matter how much I expect to not be pregnant, and try again next month. Only next month is a month away! At least! Because who even knows with my ridiculously irregular cycles! Last month could have been a fluke!
Waiting is the worst. Especially when everyone has babies but me. There's a guest speaker today and I don't even know him but my stupid mind that stores away piles of random tidbits all of the time EVEN THOUGH I DO NOT ASK IT TO has just reminded me that a friend of mine took a class with him last semester and she had a week off when this guy's wife had a baby. So. Thanks, mind. I now know that this random guy I've never met before has a newborn. Aaaaand I hate him for it. He looks young so they probably didn't even have to try for that long. AND he has curly hair, which everyone knows looks adorable on babies. I bet his infant is freaking precious.
UGH.
I'm in a depressed funk, but one that's more comical than worrisome. I'm like a sitcom character with a "look how depressed I am" punchline for every comment anyone tries to make at me.
Basically, I am Eeyore.
"Look how expensive this soap is!"
"Can't. I'm very busy melting into a miserable puddle that will seep into the floor and stain the carpet because I cannot even die in a way that will not inconvenience everyone around me."
Actual conversation that I had with the girl sitting next to me in class.
Ok, fine, it wasn't. Sometimes I am that clever, but when I am sick and depressed I mostly manage grunt responses. I believe what I actually replied was, "What, does it have gold in it?" Not my best material. But I promise that in my mind I am a sparkling wit.
Anyway, obviously the miserableness has ventured into the realm of babies because, well, that's just my life now. If my cycle is normal like everyone else's (and like it was last month and maybe will be again? Maybe? The weight loss COULD have worked, right?) then I am in the two week wait. Everyone's very favorite time. Only, honestly, I'm in such a negative frame of mind that I am POSITIVE that I am once again not pregnant. I'm 100% certain that this month was yet another failure. So I'm still impatient and everything, but more because I want to just get it over with, get my stupid period, feel all the horrible feelings that I already know I will feel no matter how much I expect to not be pregnant, and try again next month. Only next month is a month away! At least! Because who even knows with my ridiculously irregular cycles! Last month could have been a fluke!
Waiting is the worst. Especially when everyone has babies but me. There's a guest speaker today and I don't even know him but my stupid mind that stores away piles of random tidbits all of the time EVEN THOUGH I DO NOT ASK IT TO has just reminded me that a friend of mine took a class with him last semester and she had a week off when this guy's wife had a baby. So. Thanks, mind. I now know that this random guy I've never met before has a newborn. Aaaaand I hate him for it. He looks young so they probably didn't even have to try for that long. AND he has curly hair, which everyone knows looks adorable on babies. I bet his infant is freaking precious.
UGH.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
