Vacationing with the Normies

So I went to Reno with my dad this last week because when someone offers you a free trip to Reno, you say yes.  Especially since I've been wanting to get away so much recently.

Only, when I accepted, I did not think about the timing.  Turns out it's ovulation season.  The merriest season of all.  The problem?  Husband did not come on the trip with me.  He was leading a youth retreat several hours away.

Cue the scrambling.  Dr. Angry Eyebrows says we need to do the baby dance every other day and it's a three day trip, so fulfilling our quota is doable, but tricky.  I had to chart my sexytimes by the hour, y'all.

Monday:  Wake up early for sexytimes before embarking on separate trips.  Everyone was very sleepy.

Tuesday:  Sneak out of room shared with Girl I Have Just Met And Don't Want To Tell My Whole Life Story To Yet to take an ovulation test in communal bathroom and then carry it inconspicuously in my pocket back to the room only to find Miss GIHJMADWTTMWLSTY awake and chatty.  Make awkward small talk until she leaves and I can check the result.  No ovulation.  Great news.

Wednesday:  Repeat ninja ovulation testing.  Literally have to throw test under bed to avoid detection when Dad walks in.  Still no ovulation.  Drive home.  Two hour window alone with husband in which to have sexytimes before we have to go to a New Years Eve service.  Husband is going on two hours of sleep and has just driven for several hours.  He is not exactly in the mood.  Allow husband to nap for an hour and 45 minutes and then get it done in the last 15 minutes before we have to go.  High five over accomplishment.

Then we drove to church and welcomed the New Year.

Mission Success!!

But sheesh was it a lot of work.  This is the first time I've ovulated (or, ok, almost ovulated seeing as my first high day was technically today) during a week that I wasn't at home.  Not fun.  Especially not when I think about how I have no idea when this journey will end for me.  What if I have to schedule my life around ovulation for the next several YEARS?  I know some of you have done that already.  How are you still sane?

I think I'm going to start a business selling signs that say things like:

"I'm going to be in this bathroom for a while because my urine is about to tell me whether sex in the next few days is mandatory or just advisable.  Stay out.  Don't judge me.  And do not ask about the results or I will ask YOU very personal and uncomfortable questions.  For example, why aren't you married yet?  Is it because you're so nosy?  Is it because no one could ever love someone so invasive?  GO AWAY WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS."

or

"We're trying to create life right now; please leave.  YES, it has to be right now.  Right freaking now.  I'm as thrilled by the timing as you are.  But if it doesn't happen right freaking now then we have to wait another month, so if you interrupt us then you are contractually obligated to pay for my wasted month of drugs, my ovulation kit, and a month's worth of therapy.  You may also have to pay for a new face because I will claw the one you have right off.  Thank you in advance for your understanding."

Any takers?

Symptoms Part 2

So now my symptoms have just gotten weird.  Mood swings I was prepared for.  Even hot flashes.  But today I just got a bunch of random things.

Nausea/vomiting!

Cramps in my lady parts!

A really weird and intense pain on half of my face that extends from just below my jaw to my brain bits!

That last one doesn't even make sense, but I Googled it and a bunch of people have jawline pain on Clomid.  WHY!?  What reason could there possibly be?  Is jaw pain hormonal?  Does making me feel like my brains are going to burst out of my skull somehow prepare my uterus for fertility?

But whatever.  I'll take whatever I have to take, because the ol' ovulation kit says today is a flashing smiley face day, and that means that I ovulate soon.  So husband and I are having our scheduled sexytimes and hoping to make a baby in this weirdo, symptomatic, drugged-out body of mine.  Wish us luck.

'Cuz it's going to take some willpower to down these pills next month if they don't work now.

The Chaos Weeks Have Ended

Oh my gosh, you guys.  I made it.  These last two weeks have been busy.  As in BUSY.  So busy that I could not even take a break from all the things that I was doing to have ovulation sex.

I don't want you to misinterpret what I have just said.  I am NOT telling you that we didn't have sex.  I'm telling you I did not take a break for it.  That's right, friends.  I was re-arranging the exhibits on my memorandum and doing the baby dance simultaneously.  And I regret nothing.

Because it's over now!  And I did it!  I miraculously did not let anything important fall through the cracks.  As I mentioned in a previous post, my first oral argument went so well that only two people in the 77 person class did better than I did (the results for my second oral argument have not yet been posted).  And I won my hearing, which is great.  Although I did accidentally ask a leading question.  But it was ok.  Everyone was nice about it.  And the Halloween event I planned for the kids at my church (and also a bunch of kids from neighboring churches that NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT) was a success and everyone had fun!  And despite the fact that stress has probably made my vagina a pressure cooker this month, I did manage to fulfill my ovulation obligations as well.

So basically, I am a winner.  And I'm feeling great about life because of all the success I'm having and the fact that the most stressful part of my semester is OVER.

But... in a weird way... I almost wish it weren't?  Because when I'm stressed and I don't have time to think about anything then I do not cry for an hour or so about not having a baby.  No time for crying.  No time for baby thoughts.  Just normal life like other people have all the time.  In a way, honestly, it was nice.  Like a break.  While simultaneously not being anything close to a break.  Why can't I take a break from babies and from life at the same time?  Why must my failure to grow a person inside of me lurk on the edge of my thoughts, just waiting for some downtime to ruin?

At least now I don't have much longer to wait before we take The Next Step.  T-minus four days until my gyno appointment.  You can expect to hear from me again then.  In the meantime, I'm going to try my hardest to keep the dont-think-about-babies train going.  Choo choo!

Miserable Musings

Uuuuugggghhhhhh I am sick today so everything seems exponentially more awful.

I'm in a depressed funk, but one that's more comical than worrisome.  I'm like a sitcom character with a "look how depressed I am" punchline for every comment anyone tries to make at me.

Basically, I am Eeyore.

"Look how expensive this soap is!"

"Can't.  I'm very busy melting into a miserable puddle that will seep into the floor and stain the carpet because I cannot even die in a way that will not inconvenience everyone around me."

Actual conversation that I had with the girl sitting next to me in class.

Ok, fine, it wasn't.  Sometimes I am that clever, but when I am sick and depressed I mostly manage grunt responses.  I believe what I actually replied was, "What, does it have gold in it?"  Not my best material.  But I promise that in my mind I am a sparkling wit.

Anyway, obviously the miserableness has ventured into the realm of babies because, well, that's just my life now.  If my cycle is normal like everyone else's (and like it was last month and maybe will be again?  Maybe?  The weight loss COULD have worked, right?) then I am in the two week wait.  Everyone's very favorite time.  Only, honestly, I'm in such a negative frame of mind that I am POSITIVE that I am once again not pregnant.  I'm 100% certain that this month was yet another failure.  So I'm still impatient and everything, but more because I want to just get it over with, get my stupid period, feel all the horrible feelings that I already know I will feel no matter how much I expect to not be pregnant, and try again next month.  Only next month is a month away!  At least!  Because who even knows with my ridiculously irregular cycles!  Last month could have been a fluke!

Waiting is the worst.  Especially when everyone has babies but me.  There's a guest speaker today and I don't even know him but my stupid mind that stores away piles of random tidbits all of the time EVEN THOUGH I DO NOT ASK IT TO has just reminded me that a friend of mine took a class with him last semester and she had a week off when this guy's wife had a baby.  So.  Thanks, mind.  I now know that this random guy I've never met before has a newborn.  Aaaaand I hate him for it.  He looks young so they probably didn't even have to try for that long.  AND he has curly hair, which everyone knows looks adorable on babies.  I bet his infant is freaking precious.

UGH.