Self-Destructive Googling

Someone needs to put a limit on my daily Google searches.  I should get like three.  And when I use those up, there should be no way for me to Google anything at all until the next day.  Maybe that will teach me.

The following is a list of things that I Google that I SHOULD NOT GOOGLE and reasons why it is a bad idea (not that many of them need any explanation):

Number one:

Offending Search Term: Every symptom I have followed by the word "pregnant"

Examples:  "mood swings pregnant", "hair falling out pregnant", "my nose itches am I pregnant", "is nails growing particularly fast a common pregnancy symptom"

Reasons That It Is A Bad Idea To Search That:  As it turns out, every pregnant woman ever has had every symptom ever and they just freaking love to post about it.  I can't tell you how many times I've read some late night post by a woman who has just suddenly noticed that her toes are hairy or her freckles seem more pronounced and said woman wants to know what such a thing could mean.  Inevitably, there is an onslaught of assurances that she is definitely in the motherly way because Poster #1's sister and Poster #17's mother-in-law had the exact same thing happen and they were both pregnant with triplets.  A few days/posts later the original woman joyously announces that everyone was right and she was pregnant the whole time.  Only with sextuplets.  These stories, they give me hope.  But they should not.  Because my body is crazy and it gives me whatever symptoms it feels like and I fill in the gaps by making up the rest.  Each cycle there's a new one to convince me that this time and with this unique symptom I am definitely knocked up.  Yet I never am.  Turns out sometimes I just get really hungry or hate smelly things or have a metallic taste in my mouth for no reason at all.  Fun!

Why I Do It Anyway:  Because this time is different, you guys.  This time is the time!!

Number two:

Offending Search Term: "adoption agencies in my area"

Reasons That It Is A Bad Idea To Search That:  Because I'm not actually at that stage yet.  We're not in a position to adopt.  It's expensive and it takes a long time and I'm not ready to give up on conventional (or even unconventional) methods of childbearing just yet.  Only it turns out that when I'm not actually ready to help them, staring at pictures of children who have no (or who have really crappy) parents is super freaking depressing.  They all just want love!  How could their parents abandon them!?  And why did those parents get to be parents in the first place when I don't?

Why I Do It Anyway:  I don't know, really.  Maybe I'm hoping I'll fall in love with one of them and be saved from this whole process.  Or maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment.

Number three:

Offending Search Term: "pregnancy announcements after infertility"

Reasons It's A Bad Idea To Search That:  Ugh, this is a big one for me.  I watched some of these videos this morning.  There are so many on YouTube!  The wives usually set up some kind of cute surprise or present to tell their husbands and said husbands are shocked and keep asking "Are you sure?"  Then they tell their parents, who cry and scream and keep saying how happy they are.  Generally there's a lot of hugging.  And by the end of the video, I'm always sobbing.  One hundred percent of the time.  Ugly crying, too.  No single, powerful tear drop framing my face.  Nuh uh.  We're talking red-faced, scrunched-eyes, snot-filled bawling.  I'm happy for them, I'm sad for me, I'm generally emotional all over the place.  And then I'm in a mood for, like, hours.  Husband hates it.  I have to do it mostly when he's not around.  Which is worse because then I'm alone and crying alone is one of my least favorite things to do ever.

Why I Do It Anyway:  I get to live vicariously for a moment.  There's something gratifying about seeing someone else in my position get what I want and then broadcasting their emotions about it online.  And sometimes crying feels good.  I think when it builds up to a certain point I need to let it out, and these videos are a super easy trigger.

Some other things I Google that I shouldn't include:
nursery themes
cute baby announcements
my potential due date every single cycle
babies in Halloween costumes

And, finally, I have literally searched "when will I have a baby?" on multiple occasions.  As if the great internet gods can answer me and my results page will just say "tomorrow, and it will be a boy."  Somehow, that is never the case.

Do you guys have any bad Googling or internet habits like those?

Symptoms

Goodness gracious.  For the first few days of Clomid I had basically no symptoms at all.  Kind of a headache but that's really it.  And then, all of a sudden, last night I had ALL THE SYMPTOMS.

Let me narrate for you what went down.

I came back from dinner, wrote out my blog post, and then settled in to relax for a bit before I went to bed.  Only instead of doing that I just started crying.  All of a sudden I was totally overwhelmed with the things I'd been through that evening and my own infertility and the amount of work I have to do this week and all the people I have to see and how little time there is to do everything.  It all just hit me at once and I started crying.  Not interested in crying alone, I called my husband and asked him to come up and snuggle.  He asked me what was wrong and as I was telling him, instead of sad I started to feel mad.  Why did I have to deal with all these things!?  It wasn't fair!  I just suddenly got randomly furious at nothing.

And then I got my first ever hot flash.  It was soooo weird.  Kentucky Cousin ("KC") told me that the first time she had a hot flash she initially thought it was a panic attack.  I can now totally see why.  Because at first is just felt like overwhelming pressure in my chest.  It was heavy the way that guilt is heavy.  Or panic.  But I didn't have anything to feel guilty or panicked about.  And then all of a sudden my entire body was just really freaking hot.

And, you guys, listen.  It is FREEZING in my mom's house (where I am currently staying).  All year.  No matter what.  She refuses to ever use heat and her house just traps cold air inside of it like an arctic tomb.  She walks around in multiple coats and considers such an action to be totally normal, even though she lives in California.  So I KNOW that I was not hot because it was actually hot.

So at that point I realized that all the things happening were hormonal and I calmed down.

But then I got hit with another fun Clomid side effect - insomnia.  I usually fall asleep almost immediately, and I was really, really tired.  And yet I couldn't fall asleep for hours.  I was just tossing and turning, never comfortable.  My cat (who likes to sleep on me) got pissed that I wouldn't stay still and gave up on me.  I think she slept on my husband, who was totally out for most of this.

When I finally did fall asleep, I had weird and scary dreams/hallucinations that creatures that looked like the Minotaur were in my bedroom and on my balcony.  Just screeching at me.  I say hallucinations because I actually sat up in bed and looked over my husband's sleeping body to try to speak to one of them.  He was right there.  But as I stared at him he gradually disappeared.

IT WAS SO WEIRD.

I did a quick Google search this morning and apparently out of a study of 656 people on Clomid, 4 had the side effect of hallucinations.  So it's really rare.  Lucky me!

I felt fine this morning, but man.  Last night was a trial.  And now I feel like any of those things could just hit me at any time.  Hopefully tomorrow I see a Minotaur passing me the gravy and I freak out.  That would be the perfect way to give people something other than babies to discuss.

Apparently I am a child now.

So, Day 29 of this cycle.  Still no period.  But I would bet money that it will come tomorrow, because I am PMSing hardcore.

Basically, I just cried all the way home because I hate my "new" bike.  In my defense, my new bike is stupid.

My old bike (which, quick refresher, was stolen from right outside of my apartment, even though it was locked) was a gift from my dad, and it was beautiful and sea-green with a black basket made to look like it had cool vines on it.  I named her Marine Cassidy and we were the best of friends.  My new bike is a Craigslist find that looked in the picture like a bike that could be owned by a fully grown woman, but that in fact was clearly made for a young girl.  Tweener, tops.  I named her Cyndi (the i is supposed to have a heart on it; that's mandatory) because she has a stupid butterfly tramp stamp and I hate it and I hate her and that is my story.  Also the basket is in the front which makes it impossible to attach a light to the front, which I did not realize, so I was biking some pretty pot-holey roads in pitch darkness.  Without my glasses.  And also while crying.

Ok, it wasn't just because of the bike.  I am also very stressed.  The Chaos Weeks are coming.  I have a hearing (meaning I have to write a memorandum and prep for oral argument and meet with my client several times to make sure he is ready) and a moot court competition (meaning I have to write a brief and then write and deliver two oral arguments) and a church event for the children that I am planning (meaning I have to plan all the activities and order all the things we need and recruit volunteers and tell them what to do, and plan/deliver a short sermon) all in the next two weeks and it is too many things.  Too many.  And that is on top of normal law school and editing the thesis that I volunteered to edit and dealing with infertility.  So in class when I found out about another surprise thing that is very big and due in two days I was rather unhappy about it.  I will be so glad when October is over.

Plus, again, I'm fairly sure I'm PMSing.  Or, whatever, maybe not.  Because PCOS can do whatever it wants to me at whatever time, so this really could just be a thing that's happening for no reason.  Or it could be pregnancy hormones.  Isn't it fun how the symptoms for all three are exactly the same?  I love being able to guess whether the craziness I'm going through is the first sign of my dreams come true or another bitter disappointment or pointless havoc.  It is my favorite game.

Oh, PCOS. You're so clingy.

It seems to happen that whenever I get to a point where I'm able to set aside my struggle and engage in life like a normal person, my body decides to throw a weird symptom at me.  I was feeling good this week!  I was getting into the swing of my new job and staying on top of homework and overall doing well!  But obviously, that couldn't last.  Basically, PCOS is an insecure friend who hates it when I hang out with anyone else.  Like, you know in movies when there's that one "friend" who goes to crazy, lying, manipulative lengths to sabotage the main character's relationship for some flimsy and really not believable reason that almost always comes down to jealousy?  I'm talking From Justin to Kelly status (yes, I watched that movie this weekend (no, I don't want to talk about why (shut up.))).  PCOS is that friend.  Every time.

This week it was weird, sharp abdominal cramps on one side, breast pain, and then today some random spotting.  I hate the spotting the most because it was spotting that made me think I was pregnant way back when.  You know, when I was starry-eyed and thought my body could do no wrong.  Back then, I figured it was implantation bleeding.  But, nope!  My body just does whatever it wants whenever it wants.  YOLO, I guess.

So obviously this go-round I'm not getting my hopes up.  Instead, I'm just getting irrationally angry.  That's healthier, right?  Progress?

Also, for those that were wondering, Husband's Best Friend is having a girl.  Arizona Sister-in-Law (who is actually no longer moving to Arizona so maybe I should come up with a new name for her.  But, you know, later) was unable to discover the sex of her baby today because the silly little boy or girl was apparently doing cartwheels in the womb and making it impossible for the ultrasound tech to see their tiny, baby genitals.  So now they have to wait two more weeks.  It basically sucks.