Wednesday, October 22, 2014

IComLeavWe and Stress and Other Ramblings

Happy International Comment Leaving Week!  I got lots of comments on my Chocolate post yesterday, which was very exciting but also amusing.  It was amusing because I didn't really think about how all the new people reading my blog would probably just read the most recent post because scrolling and clicking are hard (no judgement; I did the exact same thing on all of their blogs), and it didn't occur to me to try to tailor that post to reflect the kind of person I want new people to see me as.

As a result, I believe that everyone now pictures me somewhat like Gollum, only clutching chocolate bars instead of The One Ring.

Eh.  It's not inaccurate.

Anyway.  Right now I am stressed.  I'm in the middle of those chaos weeks I told you about earlier in "Apparently I am a child now" (That's the one where I was crying over a bike.  Remember that?  Good times.).  And to make things worse, I tried to dabble in a bit of escapism by playing Dragon Age: Origins and my game boyfriend broke up with me because I fought a freaking army to make him king and he now feels like he needs to marry someone of royal blood.  CLASSIST PIG.  I MADE YOU WHAT YOU ARE.

Oh, dear, this post is not making me look much better.

It's hard to focus on school and all the Very Important things that I need to do when I just keep thinking about my appointment on November 6.  The one where I start taking drugs.  I have so many thoughts and feelings about the drugs.  For example, should I tell people that I am taking them?  If so, all of the people or just some?  I don't want anyone to try to talk me out of it.  Everyone is still hung up on the fact that I am in law school, but I'm like sixteen steps beyond worrying about that.

Besides, at this point NOT being pregnant is as stressful and time-consuming as being pregnant would be.  So if y'all are worried about taking my attention away from my studies you are TOO LATE.  And it's killing me to just keep doing nothing besides waiting and crying and researching nursery themes online.  It's been over eight months of that, yo.  That's plenty.

At the same time, fertility drugs are just so not how I pictured my life.  I hate drugs.  I used to refuse to even take pain killers (not because I'm a hippie, just because the idea of something changing my body chemistry used to freak me out.  Don't worry; once I started getting super painful periods I reconsidered that stance real quick).  Am I about to put things in my body that will make me absolutely insane and give me all kinds of side effects and then not even work when all is said and done?  In a year will I be broker and crazier and still completely childless?

Yeah, possibly.  That's one of the potential outcomes here.  But I have to try.  I really do believe that.  I just wish I knew how best to mentally prepare.

14 comments:

  1. Ugh, I can totally relate to the parts of this post about medication ...it's so scary to be taking all these meds that totally eff you up and cost a lot of money... and still not be sure if it will end in a take home baby. If it makes you feel any better...there are lots of us here with you, taking crazy meds and trying to get through fertility treatments with a shred of our former selves intact. And we're a very loving, friendly, and only a little bit crazy bunch! :-) Hang in there, the first bit is always the scariest but hopefully you won't have to do more than one or two cycles!

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    1. This comment actually made me tear up a little bit. I always forget how much I need support and understanding until someone says something like that and I have such a strong reaction. Thank you for welcoming into the community. I'm really looking forward to getting to know the whole loving, friendly, crazy bunch. :)

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  2. I have to say, I really love your frank, honest, and so dry humor writing style. Were we separated at birth? Seriously. I love the way you write.

    That being said, meds are a whole different dragon. You need to make the conscious choice to slay it or let it slay you. I am on my third medicated cycle and this has been the worse so far in terms of side effects. (I should caveat that statement with my MIL is living with us at the moment, so I could just be crazy from that). Once you get that first cycle under your belt, you will find the others aren't so bad. Just take a deep breath, sharpen your sword, and get ready for battle. You will rock it, I have no doubt. :D

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    1. Thanks! Nice imagery. I do so love slaying dragons. And in a weird way, imagining sharpening my sword for battle does make me feel better.

      The beast shall not take me!

      I hope you are equally successful with your own beast. (Whether I mean the drugs or your MIL is up to you :P)

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  3. Oh man, a Gollum reference. You have made my day. I'm looking forward to hearing about the appointment! I totally get where you're coming from.

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    1. Haha, glad to hear it. I'll keep you posted!

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  4. I, too, am not a fan of putting "extra" stuff in my body. However, I learned quickly that there is a reason science has advanced this far... so I take advantage of it. I did nine Clomid cycles and 7.. or maybe 8... I dunno anymore... letrozole cycles. If ever you need someone to talk to about the crazy, hormone induced side effects, you know where you can find me. I'm not sure which med you will be taking, but one was easy-peasy side effect wise and the other.... well... my husband could tell you about the day I chased him through the house with a dustbuster. Good luck. :)

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    1. I may take you up on that. If only to hear the Tale of the Dustbuster. ;)

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  5. Hey girl! As always, we seem to be very in line with each other. If you ever find that you need to open an ashram or something we should do it together lol. Say it with me now OOOOOMMMM. My posts today was on the same stuff. Dealing with transitions and new treatment options and GAH. I keep staring and the vile of HCG in my fridge and nervously checking the syringe and wondering if by have a clean surface to work from means I should disinfect my whole house?! You'll be ok. You know where to find me XOXXO

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    1. Yup! We are in the same mental space. I'm just one level of treatment behind you. Plus a couple weeks. I am exactly where you were when you wrote that post, but now you have crossed the threshold. Was it a big moment? How does the other side feel?

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  6. I don't know if I'm a freak of nature but Clomid had not affect on my mood and Gonal-F had very, very little.

    Maybe you'll get lucky and be like me?
    I'll keep my fingers crossed and watch this space for updates. :)

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    1. Thanks! I know I'm crossing my fingers, too. Though I would gladly take any side effects the drugs want to throw at me if it means getting a baby out of the deal.

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  7. I LOATHED putting that IVF shit into my body too. It's really not as bad, though, as you think it will be. (Or maybe I just got used to it with all the times I did it?) The worst part about IVF for me was just before the retrieval when your ovaries feel like golf balls... and the few times I overstimulated and my recovery was incredibly painful. That part was hard. The drugs, though - not that bad.

    And it helped us get our son, so really, it was worth it.

    Take it one injection at a time. Pretend it's not happening. Chocolate helps, too. :)

    Also, I'm laughing out loud at this: "YOU CLASSIST PIG. I MADE YOU WHAT YOU ARE." Freaking awesome.

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    1. Yikes, that sounds awful. We're not quite at the IVF stage yet; just drugs. But of course we might get there. I'm so glad to hear that it worked for you. Congratulations!

      Also, on the topic of the Classist Pig, I played the scenario through and found out that one of us had to die in order to kill the scary dragon thing terrorizing the land. I was all ready to make the noble sacrifice so that he could carry on and be king and then do you know what that douchebag did? HE SAID HE COULDN'T WATCH ME DIE AND HE KILLED THE DRAGON AND DIED HIMSELF. WHO IS GOING TO BE KING NOW, YOU IDIOT!? YOU JUST WASTED ALL OF MY WORK! AND IF YOU WERE JUST GOING TO THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY THEN WHY DID YOU BREAK UP WITH ME!? WE COULD HAVE BEEN TOGETHER AT THE END. Long story short, he is an idiot and I hate him. I hate him very much.

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