What a crappy day.

So this morning I woke up slowly and luxuriously, curled up in my nice warm blankets and totally rested because I don't have classes on Friday mornings and I got to sleep in.  I got up slowly, took my time getting ready for the day, and felt awesome.

Oh, no, wait.  That was how I WANTED my day to start.

Instead, it started with my uterus screaming at me.

"WAKE UP!  YOU ARE IN PAIN!  YOU ARE IN PAIN BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT!  WHAT A FAILURE YOU ARE!  WRITHE AROUND IN YOUR FAILURE FOR A WHILE!  BUT DON'T WAKE UP YOUR HUSBAND BECAUSE IT IS ONLY 7 AM AND THAT WOULD BE SUPER RUDE!"

Uuuugghhhhh cramps are the worst!  So I wallowed in pain and cried for a while and then I got up and took some Advil and stumbled around in a sleepy, pained stupor trying to find my heating pad and I could not find it no matter how hard I tried and so I went back to bed for Wallowing and Crying  II: The Pain Continues (sequels suck) until I finally realized that the heating pad was under the bed.  Got it.  Plugged it in.  Had to get up a couple hours later, still in pain, still exhausted, and decidedly grumpy.  THAT is how my day started.

Then I drove down to my mom's house (about two hours away) to join her for my brother and sister-in-law's birthday dinner (this is California Sister-In-Law - the one who is trying, not the one who is pregnant).  Usually such things are super fun because my mom has a rule that she will make us whatever we want for our birthday dinners, and we consistently take full advantage of that.  Brother chooses to use the privilege to make riddles for Mom about what to make.  This year's was:

1.  A food item from my (as in SecondVoice's) favorite movie.
2.  A food item from Mom's least favorite movie.
3.  An alcohol Mom would be embarrassed purchasing.
4.  Fig ice cream.
5.  Something that is an unnatural color.
6.  A food item from Doctor Who.
7.  A food item from Avatar (as in the air bender, not the blue Native Americans)

I look forward to these dinners every year.  They are so fun.  And planning them is so fun.  And so I decided to go off-diet for just this one day.  I mean... I have lost 16 pounds already.  That's a big accomplishment.  So I figured, you know, what is the worst thing that could happen if I go off-diet for just one day?

Well, I will tell you.

The meal was full of dairy.  Cheese, whipped cream cheese, heavy whipping cream, milk, chocolate... basically all the forms of dairy that can reasonably be included in a meal.  All the things I have been staying away from for months.  And I ate it all.  Every last morsel that was put in front of me.

And then I spent the rest of the evening on the toilet with explosive diarrhea.

THAT'S RIGHT, FRIENDS.  THE TITLE OF THIS POST IS A PUN.

I cannot even tell you how embarrassing that was.  Or how much it sucks that I missed out on a ton of great conversation.  Or how unfair it is that I have to deal with my body doing stupid crap (whoops!  there's another one) like this to me because I'm trying to control it and eat the right things so that it will stop throwing a hissy fit every time I try to put a baby in it.  It isn't fair.  Why can't my body just be normal?  Why can't I have those light, kinda achey cramps that other girls get that do not prevent them from doing anything with their day?  Why can't I eat or not eat dairy at my own discretion and not have my body flip out?  Why can't I just grow a freaking human inside of me like all the other women?  HUH?

I'm going to bed now because I would like this day to be over.  Good night, readers.  I hope your days were better than mine.