Saturday, December 20, 2014

Is There An Escape Button?

Sometimes I really wish that I didn't have to deal with this.  With anything, actually.

Normally, I don't consider myself a quitter.  In fact, anyone who knows me will tell you that my stubbornness and my fight are two of my defining characteristics.  The first time I went rock climbing, the instructor pointed out three paths to the top, saying, "This one is nice and easy with a lot of foot holds.  This one will require some creativity, but it's not too difficult.  This one over here is basically impossible, even for experienced mountain climbers."  And I started on the last one.  Without hesitation.  I didn't make it to the top, of course.  I fell.  But I fell trying.  And as I screamed and plummeted through empty air before my rope went taut and I could feel the support of my harness, I had no regrets.  I was ready to try again.  Because that is just who I am.

But something about this is starting to kill that in me.  And since that's one of my defining characteristics, it feels like it's just killing me.

Lately, I've been fantasizing about dropping out of law school, quitting my job, throwing out the drugs and deciding that I'll figure out children later, and then moving to some small town where no one knows me and starting over.  Taking a month or so off before just getting some boring retail job that doesn't suck my soul out of my nose and dangle it mockingly in front of me.  Or, I don't know.  Just something random.  Be a lion tamer.  Or a robber barren.  Or maybe just like a really nosy neighbor.  Something, anything, completely different from my life now.

Because right now, I can't catch a break.

My boss is such a stickler for attendance that he actually got mad at my husband for missing a total of three days last year.  He missed them in order to attend two weddings and a funeral.  But apparently we should have chosen two of those three events and said "Sorry!  Can't come!" to the third.  So no break there.

Law school has "breaks", but the work is so brutal that both Thanksgiving and Spring Break are NECESSARILY spent studying, Winter Break is only a couple of weeks and full of holidays and other such non-break events, and you can forget about taking summer off because you're expected to work AT LEAST full time, and probably with a commute that's about an hour to avoid competing directly with everyone in your entire class.  So no breaks there either.

And obviously, taking a break from infertility isn't a real thing.  I wish it were.  I wish that I could just turn my feelings off, put the effort on hold, and happily carry on with my life for a while without thinking about how badly I want a child and how completely ineffective my efforts in that regard have been so far.  But I can't do that.  It's basically all I think about these days no matter how hard I try not to, and despite the fact that there is exactly NOTHING new to think about because this process is the same freaking thing month after month.  Waiting and then trying to control things and then waiting and then starting to hope and then waiting and then planning even though you tell yourself not to and then waiting and then total, utter despair.

And then waiting.

10 comments:

  1. It's kind of funny you posted about this. Lately I have been obsessed with tv shows about Alaska. My DH made a comment the other day (with one of his curious "my wife is the ultimate mystery" smirks). He said "What's up with this new thing?". I told him the truth (as always), in some ways living off the grid really appeals to me. He raised his eyebrow with what was a lifetime of learning me in the gesture and I said "I didn't say I would do it, just that it appeals to me" He remained quiet, then walked away. The deal is I have one of the most stressful jobs in one of the most stressful fields that I have ever had in my life. I sometimes dread work. I have been on the IF merry go round for 5 years now. Sometimes I really believe I could give up every convenience for just a little peace. Honestly, if living off the grid meant I could either conceive or stop caring if I did or not...I'd be packed right this second and leaving on the first thing smoking. So basically, as all my comments seem to say lately. I hear you.

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    1. Oh my gosh, Alaska. Land of my heart. I went backpacking and kayaking through it one summer in high school and it was so ruggedly beautiful. If I had to live off the grid, Alaska would be a GREAT place to do it. And I love it when we feel the same way. It makes me feel way less crazy. :)

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  2. (My internet is being stupid! I posted but not sure if it registered! Here goes again.)
    I LOVE the comment about being a nosey neighbor. I wish that was an option!
    I love your blog, your words and posts make me feel less crazy.
    Thank you for your posts.

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    1. Your comment makes ME feel less crazy! Sometimes I put stuff like this out there and I'm afraid people will judge me for it. I can't tell you how gratifying and affirming it is to have people relate to it instead. Thanks for your comment.

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  3. Ditto that Queen! Especially true after this weend for me. My.. ahem... less than great brother in-law had a third child, with the third women just last week. We found out "by accident." Then facebook might as well be called, "we're all having a baby next year except you." I'm really thinking about unplugging as best I can for 2015. None of this fertility stuf is easy. None of it. We've been trying for (in march it will be ) 11 years. All I can really say to the IF sisters out there.. keep trying. keep the faith.. it will all work out the way its supposed to. And most importantly, its ok to be upset, stressed, tired. all of the above. Then its time to get back up, put your warrior suit back on and keep fighting.

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    1. Ugh, 11 years. I can't even imagine. You must be an outrageously strong person to keep going for that long. I'm sorry everyone around you is having babies. I know how that goes. I hope 2015 is relaxing and joyful for you and that your dreams of being a mother are somehow finally fulfilled.

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    3. For all the years, except the last... 3 years really.. I discracted by marraige.. houses.. jobs.. but I think that now we are actively seeking treatment from the RE it has become 'real.' And really raw and emotinal. I didnt think that it would be this early in the game. We just got our protocol but I cant start until my thyroid is in check. I'm declaring the year 2015 be.. "The year of Kim!" :)

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  4. Oh wow. You're talking my language.

    First off, I had never been pregnant before going off of wheat. I was pregnant in one month after going off of it. I was 46 years old! If you eat wheat, try going off of it. Also, accupuncture can get those hormones lined up to do what they're supposed to be doing. It happened to me when I was having super long periods and it happened to a friend when she was in your situation and wanting to have a baby but it wasn't working.

    I think I must be ahead of you in life (I'm 48). I always chose the toughest route too. I was a really great teacher for about twelve years. I treated it like a law career...put my all in, strained my intelligence and my empathy, didn't take enough breaks or take the easy way ever. Fast forward and I've had to quit my career because I have chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. From this point of view, I advise that you find some way to lessen the stress of your life. Stress is basically the cause of my, and other syndromes and diseases. Your inner voice may be giving you some good advice. Look for a job without such a crappy boss. Choose the easy path when you can. That's what my blog projecteasier.com is about for me--trying to choose the easy path and be less ambitious so I can be healthier and happier. Good luck to you and thanks for a great, thoughtful post.

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    1. I tried going off wheat for a couple months when I was losing weight. Never tried acupuncture, though, and I'm pretty curious about it. I would definitely try it once.

      As for stress, I totally hear you. And even though it might not sound like it, I have actually tried really hard to tone down my schedule this year. Last year it was way worse. But I admit it could still be better. Law school is not exactly a spa experience, unfortunately.

      Kudos to you for de-stressing your own life and congrats of conceiving!

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