Brother and CSIL visited this last weekend. They only just left yesterday. And... it was draining. I was not at my best. She's really starting to show now, and she's got a lot of rather noticeable symptoms. So I feel like I can't hide from her pregnancy at all anymore. Even if we're not talking about it (which is infrequent), it's just so visibly present that I can't think about anything else when she's nearby.
At one point on the trip, CSIL got so nauseated that we had to pull over so she could throw up in a parking lot. And as I watched her dab at the mess with napkins as the rest of us scrambled to get ginger ale and saltines and hand sanitizer, I actually felt jealous of her. Jealous. I wished so fiercely that I were vomiting in a parking lot, too. And that made me feel pathetic, you guys. Just absolutely pathetic.
But it still wasn't as awful as the way I felt when I got my period today. Two days early. I didn't even get a chance to hope.
And it hurts, you know? It just hurts.
Because I wasn't even looking for it yet. AF never comes early. Only recently has "on time" even been a thing. It's like I was waiting for Christmas to open my presents and then someone opened them for me two days early and everyone in the world who got me a present decided that cat figurines was the way to go. I don't like cat figurines. What would I do with them? What about me made people look at me and think, "That woman must love her some tiny statues of fluffy things"? And not only do I not get to wait for Christmas anymore and not only do I get these terrible gifts instead of gifts I want and not only do I have to try and figure out why no one in my life understands me, but now, even though I never wanted them in the first place, I have a whole freaking collection of cat figurines that I have to display in my house. So people are going to come over and see my collection and think, "Oh, she must like those." And then they will buy me more. Cat figurines will be my whole life. I will be the crazy cat lady even though I am married and have, like, one cat. Tops. Meanwhile, I get to watch everyone else get the presents that I actually wanted and talk about how cool they are and how wonderful life is and how special this whole wonderful holiday season has been and I will have to be happy for them. Or everyone will think I'm horrible.
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ReplyDeleteI absolutely relate to your story and I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Thank you for sharing it with me. I hope that you have some luck soon. Sending baby dust your way!
Delete((hugs)) I hear you. Last year my AF was due to arrive (and kept it's appointment) on Christmas day. It sucks. There's really no platitudes here. It doesn't get better exactly...I guess I've gotten more numb though. That's a good a blessing as any. I can't give you much to cheer you up but I am here and acknowledging that you are in one of the toughest positions there is to be in. You are not wrong for feeling the burden of your own pain in the face of her joy. It is a hard, hard place to be so don't beat yourself up if that shows.
ReplyDeleteUgh, that's awful. The holidays just somehow make everything worse, I feel like. But thank you for your acknowledgement and solidarity. I appreciate it so much.
DeleteThe previous poster was much more eloquent than I could be, but I would like to try to echo her sentiments. You are not pathetic, you are not alone, and your feelings are so normal for your position. I hope you will be done seeing her for awhile.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I feel like I can never hear those things enough.
DeleteUnfortunately, since it's the holiday season, I'm far from done with seeing her. But I'm just taking it one day at a time. :/
So sorry girl. You are not alone! Trusting God's perfect timing for you!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you. I keep trying to remind myself of that, but it's hard. :/
DeleteI love that you are able to pepper your pain with humor. Humor always helps me too. It was a raw yet very funny post. I've been jealous many times of things like vomiting in the parking lot. Thanks for being so honest and real.
ReplyDeleteThank you, that's exactly what I was going for. Humor makes the pain more bearable for me, but I don't want it to be something I hide behind. I want to be raw AND funny. So I'm glad that's exactly how I came across to you. :)
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