Saturday, October 4, 2014


I think it's natural for humans to want control.  And when you're in the middle of something that is so completely out of your control, like trying to conceive with PCOS, I think it's understandable to want to take control where you can get it.

One of my coping mechanisms since I was 14 has been to dye or cut my hair in some radically different way whenever I want to mark a new season in my life.  Right now, dealing with what I'm dealing with, I really want to dye my hair jet black.

Unfortunately for me, my dear, beloved husband of two and a half years doesn't like dyed hair.  My last two dramatic hair transformations were cuts, but my hair is short enough right now that a cut is just not going to (pardon the pun) cut it.  I'd probably just tell him that he'll get used to it if I didn't also recently accept a job as a children's pastor at a fairly conservative church.  (Yes, I am doing this in addition to law school.  I know.  If you're wondering, I'm also on the board of two clubs and doing a clinic, all while trying to get some life to grow in my barren tundra of a uterus and coping with the crushing depression that stems from my total failure in that area.  Basically, I've got tons of free time.)

I know it's a stupid thing to be upset over, but I am upset.  It just feels like I can't do anything with my body that I want to.  I'm stuck with my boring, dirt brown hair and my defective, joke ovaries when what I want is to be a raven-haired beauty who is so fertile you can't even look at her funny without knocking her up with quintuplets.  A black-haired, baby-making machine.

Instead, I'm still just me. ;/


  1. This is how I lost 40 pounds that had been creeping up on me for ten years. I had to control something. Once it really dawned on me that I had little if any control over us conceiving...I started to run. It sucked at first...ok and then at second and third but after awhile I lived to run. Just me and the pavement...and my feet go where I tell them to, if payday asked me to give it up...he'd have to have a gigantic reason. Maybe you should tell him how you feel about the control part? keep us posted.

    1. We talked about it. He said he'd be fine with it if I want to dye my hair just a couple shades darker, but I'm not sure that will have the same emotional impact for me. It's on the back burner for now. Congrats on losing 40 pounds! What a great coping mechanism.


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