Monday, October 27, 2014

I Succeeded at a Thing!

I'm in a rare good mood tonight.  Rare since diagnosis, anyway.

Last week, which was Week One of the dreaded Chaos Weeks, I presented a ten minute oral argument in front of members of the moot court board and an actual practitioner.  I was terrified.  I was sure I would fail.  I almost had a panic attack in the stacks of the library (and no, I wasn't just out of breath because I was climbing a lot of stairs and I am very out of shape YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH).

But I readied myself for battle, I went in there, and I did my best.  And I thought it went OK!  Pretty good, even!


It went awesome.  Because they posted the results today and out of the seventy-seven people in the class, only two did better than I did.

Honestly, I can only remember a few times in my life that I have been this proud of a thing I did.  And I think it's because I really needed this right now.  PCOS feels like one big, boiling pot of failure that I occasionally cry into or burn the bottom of because I cannot even make failure soup correctly.  Succeeding at something in the middle of all that suckiness feels good.  Like, REALLY good.

Of course, I might also be in such a good mood because now that I have a definite start time for drugs, I'm not trying as hard to get pregnant this cycle.  I feel like help is around the corner, so it's maybe ok if I just take a tiny break this month.  And that's really freeing.  And it's nice to feel free for, like, a second.  If I thought I could feel so unburdened all the time I would consider giving up trying, but I know that me feeling this way has more to do with drugs in my future than lack of trying in my present.  If I actually quit, I'd be devastated, not elated.

But the point is, it's really nice right now.  I'm in the eye of the storm, with the awfulness of trying naturally behind me and the awfulness of drugs ahead.  But right here it's calm.  And while I'm in this calmness I accomplished a thing that I'm really proud of.  And it feels awesome.  So... yeah.  Good day.


  1. YAY! It feels so good to do something right! I am glad that your "regular" life was able to help you feel more centered! XOXXO

    1. Thanks! Me, too. It made for a refreshing change. ;)


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