Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Miserable Musings

Uuuuugggghhhhhh I am sick today so everything seems exponentially more awful.

I'm in a depressed funk, but one that's more comical than worrisome.  I'm like a sitcom character with a "look how depressed I am" punchline for every comment anyone tries to make at me.

Basically, I am Eeyore.

"Look how expensive this soap is!"

"Can't.  I'm very busy melting into a miserable puddle that will seep into the floor and stain the carpet because I cannot even die in a way that will not inconvenience everyone around me."

Actual conversation that I had with the girl sitting next to me in class.

Ok, fine, it wasn't.  Sometimes I am that clever, but when I am sick and depressed I mostly manage grunt responses.  I believe what I actually replied was, "What, does it have gold in it?"  Not my best material.  But I promise that in my mind I am a sparkling wit.

Anyway, obviously the miserableness has ventured into the realm of babies because, well, that's just my life now.  If my cycle is normal like everyone else's (and like it was last month and maybe will be again?  Maybe?  The weight loss COULD have worked, right?) then I am in the two week wait.  Everyone's very favorite time.  Only, honestly, I'm in such a negative frame of mind that I am POSITIVE that I am once again not pregnant.  I'm 100% certain that this month was yet another failure.  So I'm still impatient and everything, but more because I want to just get it over with, get my stupid period, feel all the horrible feelings that I already know I will feel no matter how much I expect to not be pregnant, and try again next month.  Only next month is a month away!  At least!  Because who even knows with my ridiculously irregular cycles!  Last month could have been a fluke!

Waiting is the worst.  Especially when everyone has babies but me.  There's a guest speaker today and I don't even know him but my stupid mind that stores away piles of random tidbits all of the time EVEN THOUGH I DO NOT ASK IT TO has just reminded me that a friend of mine took a class with him last semester and she had a week off when this guy's wife had a baby.  So.  Thanks, mind.  I now know that this random guy I've never met before has a newborn.  Aaaaand I hate him for it.  He looks young so they probably didn't even have to try for that long.  AND he has curly hair, which everyone knows looks adorable on babies.  I bet his infant is freaking precious.


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