Wednesday, November 12, 2014

And I'm Back In The Pit.

I tried so hard to stay out of it, you guys.  I was able to be positive for like a month.  And it felt so nice.  So freaking good.  But even as I enjoyed it, I knew it couldn't last.  After receiving The News, I've been sucked right back into the negative, depressed vortex that I tried so hard to fight.

The feeling of constantly being on the edge of tears is familiar, but this time I also feel... bruised.  There's no other way to describe it.  I just feel like I've been sucker punched.

Part of that might be the fact that I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of my cat scratching at a door, and in my sleepy stupor I assumed it was the bathroom door and stumbled over to grant her access to her litter box, only it turned out that it was my bedroom door that was closed and I walked straight into it.  My nose hurts very badly.

And what a freaking metaphor for my life right now.  For this whole process.  I just keep slamming into closed doors and getting hurt.

My progesterone level looked pretty good.  It was a 12.1.  That's high enough that I ovulated but it's still low for a pregnancy.  Not impossibly low, but low.  Dr. Angry Eyebrows thinks I should test on Friday if I haven't gotten my period yet, because that will be CD30 and 10dpo.  But I'm so freaking pessimistic right now that I'm just sure that the test will be as negative as I am.  So I'm going to take it, and then I'm going to wait impatiently, and then my fears will be confirmed and I'm going to cry, and then I'm going to hop into the car and drive down to spend the weekend with CSIL and her tiny baby twin fetuses and every minute of it will suck me deeper and deeper into The Pit until I can never get out again.

That's how I'm feeling right now.

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