Friday, November 7, 2014

I'm Basically Schizophrenic

So I was waiting in line at the grocery store.  It came to be my turn.  I smiled at the girl behind the counter and said, "Hey, how are you?"  Because I like to be nice to people in customer service jobs!  They deal with a lot.

And I swear, you guys.  I swear that she answered, "I'm pregnant."

My head snapped up and I was like, "What!?" in what must have been a shocked and startled tone because she gave me a weird look and answered, "I asked how you were?"

Of course she did.  Because that is a normal thing to say.  Why did my mind change her normal thing into a crazy baby thing?  Why does my mind not want to give me a break?

Babies have come up a lot today.  Husband, who rarely dreams, woke up this morning from a dream that I've been pregnant for the last nine months and we just had no idea because I'm not showing at all.  So in the dream we had a son and we named him Collin (for some reason).  When Husband woke up he was mad for a couple minutes that he didn't really get to have a baby.  Which I found very sweet, actually. Because, as I've mentioned before, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one with emotions about all this.  So it's nice to see him get a little mad about not having the son that for a few unconscious minutes he thought he did have.

Aside from that, my Facebook has been blowing up with baby pictures all day because Canada Cousin is still camera-happy with her newborn and Church Friend finally went into labor and Law School Acquaintance's baby just hit seven months and College Friend is pregnant now, too, and Person I Don't Remember Befriending has decided to do a sweater vest fashion show with their baby and basically there are just so many babies.

But I'm doing fine!  Still fine!  Not depressed or freaking out!  Everything is great through sheer force of will.  Because now that I've come out of my hole of depression, I am terrified of getting thrown back in.  I don't like who I am when I'm in there.  At all.  I don't like living that way.  But I know that this process is hard and I know that I'll have more low points in the future and that scares me.  It's like there's a whole other me lurking inside and sometimes she takes possession of my body and just spews venom at everything and cries, like, all the freaking time.  Right now she's in a cage... but I feel her there.  She could come and possess me again whenever she feels like it.  She's just biding her time right now.  Pacing inside of me and waiting for the right moment to snatch my free will and sunny attitude away again.  It's her that whispered in my ear that some random cashier was confessing her pregnancy to me.  And it's her that scoffs in my mind that other people's babies aren't even that cute.  I want her to go away, but she's just there.  All the time.  And I don't know if she'll ever leave.


  1. Ugh. Its so hard. I know that feeling. The feeling like you are juuust crawling out of the deep, dark, ugly hole and you can feel your "depression self" lurking behind you just waiting to snatch your heels and drag you back into the abyss. No one likes the abyss. It sucks so bad feeling it lurking there. On a positive note, you seem to be enjoying a bit of a reprieve for now. It is important to remember that while it feels like you've been depressed/grief stricken forever it is actually cyclical. So as much as you feel sure that you'll have to hurt again if you don't conceive soon, you will conversely also feel better again. So there's that! Xoxxo

    1. Yes, that's exactly what it feels like. You get me.

      Here's hoping that one part of the cycle is a lot longer than the other.


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