Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Is This Real Life?

So, recently, my cousin (Kentucky Cousin, or "KC" for short) told me that she was pregnant.  And I was really, reeeeeally, really happy for her.  She has PCOS, too, you see.  And she's been trying for two and a half years.  And she's come really close to giving up recently.  So this was a miracle out of the blue and it was uplifting because it gave me hope that people like us can succeed even after so much difficulty and heartache.  Yes, it was maybe a little sad that now I'm the only one struggling with PCOS and failing to conceive in our family, but the vast majority of my feelings were happiness.

Well, that and sympathetic terror because miscarriage is the horrible looming ghost over all PCOS pregnancies and it would be The Worst Thing Ever if that happened to her after all of this.  But aside from that, sparkles and happiness and joy.  Because, for real, she deserves this.

And... ok, I'll admit it.  I was just a little bit smug and vicariously victorious that she managed to beat out the healthier competition for next Family Baby.  Particularly my California sister-in-law.  You remember CSIL.  I have written angsty extended metaphors about what it feels like to race her for parenthood before.  And since she just skipped onto the TTC scene a month or so ago, I thought it only fair that KC, with her five year lead, managed to bring it home first.


Because CSIL is pregnant.  She got pregnant in her second month of trying.  And she is due THE DAY BEFORE KC.



I could not make this up.  How is this real life?  How is this fair, like, AT ALL?  I had to wait to post this until CSIL told KC about the pregnancy because KC reads my blog (she's the only one I know irl that I allow to because we cysters gotta stick together).  But great news, guys, CSIL told her today.


I just... I'm feeling a lot of angst and incredulity right now.  It's like a big cosmic joke.  It's so freaking unfair.

And look.  I love my brother.  And I really do love CSIL as well.  And I will love their children.  I will.  So much.  But would it have killed them to conceive in like another couple months or so to at least give the illusion that they worked for it even a little bit?  It would just be so nice to believe that perfect cherubs DON'T just sprout in her womb every time she so much as giggles.  And even if they couldn't have struggled for a couple of months, is it so much to ask that they could have somehow just waited an extra TWO DAYS so that at least KC's due date was first?  I mean, come on!

I'm so relieved that I told her to let me know about her pregnancy in text form and not in person, because that was a great call.  When I got the text I just started laughing.  Like, hysterical crazy person laughing.  It would have been really awkward if she were standing in front of me while I did that.

And I was laughing because it's so ridiculous.  Not just all of the things I've already said, but also the fact that now I have no one to talk to about trying because she is LITERALLY the last person that I know outside of the internet who decided she wanted kids and didn't have them yet.  Every single freaking friend and family member who has ever said to me, "Hey, I'm thinking about the possibility of kids soon" is now knocked up or in possession of an infant or toddler that looks a lot like them.

I'm glad I have all of you faceless voices on the internet, because here in the real world... I am now completely freaking alone.  ...Awesome.


  1. I know right?! Post tomorrow is about this. I'm not shitting you when I say ALL my irl friends are now pregnant. Well, except the two that are still protecting against it like it's the plague...but they don't really count. Everyone who wants a baby gets one... gods like " you get a baby, you get a baby , you get a baby" like he's freaking Oprah. But not me. Not after two and a half years of trying, not after 7 months with the 're... Not me. To boot my infertile Twitter feed also just got way more fertile than me. so many bfp this month. Not me. my test was negative. Again. My only hope is that the cue ahead of me is clearing up and I'm next. Fingers crossed for us both.

    1. Hahahahaha the God/Oprah imagery made me lol. You are the best.

  2. This made me smirk :) I can't...or don't dare laugh out loud at something this true lest it turn into a cry on me. Is it sad that after 5 years, I simply expect the next person who tells me they are thinking about possible trying to get pregnant to just simultaneously BE pregnant? Like as they are letting me know "Hey, we are trying to conceive" I assume that should she pee on a stick at that moment...BAM two lines. It's gotten comical, and I realize I am fertile after all. I have just come to believe I rain fertility all AROUND me, I am the nucleus calm of the storm that gets none of that good shower but if you know me IRL...have ever heard of me IRL...no unprotected sex unless you want lots and lots of babies...like NOW. May not sound logical but who needs logic? Not the infertile I'll tell you that ;) Good post!

    1. Hahaha. That is exactly how I feel. Fertility swirls around me, affecting all who even so much as look in my direction, and I never get a taste. Well said.

    2. Holy shit that's perfect! It's like we are the eyes in the fertility storm. Destruction and BFP's all around us.. but clam waters here with narry a baby in sight.


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